Will We Ever Know Who Meghan McCain’s Father Is?

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According to scholars and experts on the subject, one of the greatest mysteries of our lifetimes may never, ever be solved.

“Who Is Meghan McCain’s father?”

“I just don’t think there’s enough evidence out there to find a definitive answer, to be quite honest,” Susan Kilpatrick of the American Institute for Things, Stuff, and Such told us via Skype. “Our organization has spent the last five years exhaustively going over every document, video, sound byte, and magazine article we could, but we’re nowhere near finding out the answer to our question.”

Over at the International Consortium of Thinkers, Stinkers, and Blinkers, Chip Chatterly tells us that he and his crew of researchers are nowhere near close to finding out the answers as well.

“Maybe if Meghan herself would open up a little and give us some hint herself,” Chatterly supposed, “but that’s crazy. She’s so reticent! You’re clearly a very fortunate person if you’re lucky enough to get to hear her voice. It’s so very rare, you understand.”

For about a period of ten years, the subject of who Meghan McCain’s father is has been one of hotly contested debate and research. Many in the media felt they had an idea, only to come to find out they were not correct in the end. It seemed like every road that was traveled only took those seeking truth to more and more dead ends.

“She could put this whole thing to rest if she’d just say a word or two,” Kilpatrick said at one point. “But good luck getting Meghan McCain to give you any clues about who her father is. It’s like trying to get a lit stove burner to tell you if it’s hot or not, know what I mean?”

Both Kilpatrick and Chatterly agree completely about one way we’ll never, ever find out who Meghan McCain’s father is.

“Just don’t ever expect Meghan to tell you,” Chatterly said, “she’d never do such a thing. In fact, one time I asked her who her dad was point blank and she ran off screaming.”

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There are currently several theories as to who Meghan’s father is, but here are the  three most popular online ideas.

#1. George Washington

“She acts like she’s the only one with intimate knowledge of the founders and founding of our country. She’s like so many conservatives that way, but we’re thinking maybe there’s something to it. Maybe she has some family library of Washington’s thoughts and feelings,” Chatterly said.

#2. Karl Marx

“The way she goes on and on about socialism and communism — as if they’re the same thing — it almost makes you think she’s got something extra to hide; something more she’s worried about. Maybe she just doesn’t want everyone to know she’s the daughter of the world’s most famous commie,” said Kilpatrick.

#3. A Bald Eagle Fucking the Literal Constitution

“This is one of our more out there theories, sure, but it holds some validity, we think. If you listen to the screeches Meghan makes on The View, they sound an awful lot like the cries of a bald eagle. And she talks about the Constitution like someone would talk about a loved one they’re fond of, so it’s as good a theory as any, fam,” Kilpatrick told us.

Do you have any evidence that might lead us to figuring out who Meghan McCain’s father is? Send it to us here!

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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