Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me I Had Fucking Presidential Immunity?!

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The following editorial was written and submitted by former President and alive human, Richard M. Nixon. The thoughts and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Nixon, and not necessarily those of this outlet, it’s management, or ownership.

“…in my day being a conservative meant that you tried to preserve things…like the integrity of the institutions of our democracy. So I didn’t think there was a chance in hell I’d survive the court battles.”

Excuse me?

EX-FUCKING-CUSE ME?!

Presidents have immunity?

Like, “full-blown, I can do whatever-the-shit-I-want-and-you-can’t-stop-me” immunity? “Shoot someone on 5th Avenue, do a failed coup, and then try to get elected all over again” immunity? Talk about a game changer!

Presidential immunity sounds so much better than “When a president does it, that means it’s not illegal.” I really should have gone with “I have complete immunity.”

I just didn’t think the Supreme Court would go for it, know what I mean? Not even a conservative one. Hell, in my day being a conservative meant that you tried to preserve things…like the integrity of the institutions of our democracy. So I didn’t think there was a chance in hell I’d survive the court battles. Has everything changed so much in fifty years that even conservative justices would help a president subvert the Constitution?

Got-damn do I wish I had gotten that option!

Why couldn’t I have had one of the “good: ones like Clarence Thomas instead of Thurgood Uppity McCivilRights?

UGH.

I could have been Forever President fucking FIRST, and now it’s that tiny-handed little wannabe me that’s gonna do it? I haven’t been this depressed since that time I bought Aunt Jemima syrup and there was nowhere else to put it but in the FRONT of the shopping cart.

Don’t get me wrong; I’ll be okay. After all, I’m already dead, so there’s really not much hope of me ever being elected again. Although, before that pudgy daughter-luster came to town, I’m pretty sure most MAGA-ites would have written my name in forever…

I wish my party had been willing to jump over the cliff with me instead of coming to the White House to insist I resign. All I’m saying is that it would have been nice to know about this “presidential immunity” thing before.

I needed willing cucks, and all I got were patriots more committed to the rule of law than the rule of their leader. If I ever get back to Earth, you better believe I’m gonna file all the necessary paperwork to get my record cleaned up, and then you’ll see what ol’ Tricky Dick can do with with presidential immunity!

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