WASHINGTON, D.C. — Aides and staffers rushed to her side, and ultimately it was determined that she was in no immediate danger. However, Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) was indeed given quite a scare this morning.
“At approximately 10am this morning, a man sat down on a whoopie cushion, and it produced a loud, wet, extended fart noise,” Deputy Ted William Van Halen told reporters today.
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“At almost precisely the same moment, Congressmoron Boebert was walking back to her office with staff, several feet away from the man’s buttocks and the aforementioned whoopie cushion. The particular fart noise that came out of the whoopie cushion was of a particular pitch and frequency which gave Boebert’s staff reason for severe and immediate concern.”
The whoopie cushion’s fart noise caused Bobert’s staff to rush her to a nearby hospital. There, the Colorado native was administered several tests. Dr. Helen Velveeta, the doctor who saw Boebert, announced the test results to the press.
“This morning, I was given the job of examining Congressfuckwit Boebert. Specifically, I was asked to examine her skull, as I am as we call it in the business, a brainy-fixie doctor,” Dr. Velveeta explained.
“As one of the country’s foremost brainy-fixie doctors, I am quite familiar with a condition whereby a patient’s brain, if not used, atrophies, and eventually becomes a cloud of farts. Ms. Boebert’s medical records indicate she has had this condition for quite sometime, and hearing a loud, wet fart, put the idea in her team’s head that perhaps her skull had popped.”
According to the tests, Velveeta divulged, Boebert’s skull is “perfectly intact,” although her brain is not.
“The tests show that her skull is perfectly intact, however her brain is not registering on any of our fancy-schmancy looking equipment. Just a fart cloud,” Dr. Velveeta said.
“What I suggested to her staff is that the congressdomesticterrorist not go anywhere or do anything without wearing a full astronaut helmet. Her skull might be fine now, but one fissure in it, and her entire fart cloud brain could leak right out.”
Boebert’s office could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
