WASHINGTON, D.C. — In 2017, White House Senior Skeletal Vapid Mupppet Adviser Kellyanne Conway drew heavy criticism from the media and was “counseled” by top administration officials for an impromptu commercial advertisement on air during an interview from the White House briefing room for his daughter’s clothing line. That was not the first or only time that the Trump family’s business has run smack into a conflict of interest with the alleged billionaire’s duties as president.
Today, speaking to reporters on Air Force One en route to D.C. from Japan, President Trump said he and his family had “come up with a really great scheme” to keep themselves out of legal hot water for, from an outside perspective, even appearing to violate the emoluments clause of the Constitution which says a president cannot personally enrich himself with the powers of his office.
“This is going to be really, really big folks,” Trump said, his left hand up in the air, making a sort of “L” with his thumb and forefinger, “like, really, really big. My lawyers are telling me this is totally legal, and why wouldn’t they? I pay them to tell me everything I do is okay.”
Trump said that he and his daughter Ivanka, with the help of his sons Uday and Qusay, will start the White House Shopping Network this fall. The home shopping channel will feature “all kinds of shit,” the president told reporters, that he and his family had found around the White House.
“We keep finding these really neat-o things gang,” Trump told the press, “like I found the parchment that Lincoln wrote his first few drafts of the constipation proclamation on. I thought maybe some of you folks out there might like to a chance to own that little bit of American history. What do you say?”
President Trump went on to preview a few more items that he and his family would be selling on their new channel.
“We have some lovely monogrammed White House bath towels,” Trump said, “I couldn’t figure out why they had ‘SH’ as the initials, so my loss is your gain. Maybe I’ll ask Sean Hannity if he knows, when he’s not too busy shadow-running our government, of course. Or maybe you want your very own set of official presidential pens. You know, I sign those executorial orders or whatever with those things? Probably worth, and this is a conservative estimate, about six or seven billion dollars a pen. We’ll have a full set for like, $49.99.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters that he ordinarily would not be okay with this idea, but that after a long eight years of Democrats in the White House, he “doesn’t care so much” about things he used to.
“I don’t know man,” McConnell said as he was heading into the capitol building, “part of me wants to be alarmed at how aggressively and transparently he’s using the office of the presidency to enrich himself. Part of me knows that if Obama had even done one of the things that Trump has done I’d be drawing up the impeachment papers myself. But, well, my party’s in power now, so all of a sudden, I care a lot less about that stuff. Besides, maybe I want to own a set of White House monogrammed bath towels, too!”
The White House Shopping Network would debut in the third quarter, should the plans come to fruition. This is a developing story.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.