“Convicted felons will also be allowed in the Oval Office…because the Constitution didn’t adequately protect us from fart-napping rapists being put back into power after they try a failed coup…”
In the coming week, the White House will institute a new policy that will allow those convicted of a felony — even almost forty felonies — to work there. In a new email being circulated to media outlets across the country, non-partisan, career White House staff announced the policy change.
“As ridiculous as it might seem to allow someone convicted of nearly three dozen felonies into the White House, that’s exactly what the voters did last election, and so this institution must also adapt to those changes. Therefore, we will soon be implementing the White House Convicted Felon Work-Release Program, which will allow people convicted of up to 600,000 felonies to serve that time on the taxpayer’s dime. For each year that someone serves in the White House when they should have been perhaps dying behind bars in a New York prison cell somewhere, they will receive a 10,000% reduction in their sentence for time-served.”
White House security has signed-off on a few new policies as well.
“Convicted felons will also be allowed in the Oval Office, behind the Resolute Desk, and because the Constitution didn’t adequately protect us from fart-napping rapists being put back into power after they try a failed coup four years earlier, the Nuclear Football, which contains our country’s nuclear arsenal launch codes.”
The White House’s cleaning staff did make one request of any and all convicted felons who happen to work there in the not-too-distant future.
“As much as we are glad to be a more inclusive and forgiving employer, the cleaning staff request all ketchup bottles be made of shatter-resistant plastic, that the rubber sheets be re-installed on the presidential bed, and that the good linens, china, and silverware be transferred offsite, where they can’t be sold on eBay, for the next four years to forever.”
The new staffing policy will go into effect on January 20th, 2025.
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