The Political Garbage Chute’s charter includes — among the roughly 1.2 million words that comprise it — a dedication to “bring the masses the most important information about the politics and politicians that impact their lives the most.” In our continuing effort to bring you the hard hitting information we know you’ve come to expect from us, we sent out invitations to the two Democratic and estimated 48 Republican contenders for the 2016 presidential election to answer one simple, and yet very important question. The question we asked is on every American’s lips, and in a recent TPGC/You See Me Pollin’ survey of 22 likely voters outside our local 7-11 convenience store it ranked the highest of fifteen questions we gave respondents to choose from.
“What would you do for a Klondike bar?”
What follows are the responses sent back to us from the 2016 presidential field.
Bernie Sanders
“The real question is who is slipping money into your congressman or woman’s pockets to make sure you get a bit of a Klondike bar, while they get six cases a day delivered to them. Besides, being a Vermonter, my allegiances run deep. Ben & Jerry’s for life, son!”
Carly Fiorina
“I don’t know exactly what I’d do. But I can assure you that there’d be about 30,000 fewer Klondike bars compared to before I showed up.”
Ben Carson
“I’d probably compare not getting a Klondike bar to slavery. Then I’d call Obama communist, imply that Hillary Clinton would sell our country to the highest Chinese bidder, and say some other crazy shit that makes you question whether I actually got my medical degree or if I sent in for a fake diploma from a box of cereal.”
Ted Cruz
“I would call upon God’s will to lay its hand over this country and show its great patriotic citizens that the only way to make this nation great again is to stop caring about the poor and working class, and instead focus on an agenda that gives as much money as possible to the rich while also keeping women, minorities and the LGBT community where they belong — as second class citizens. And I would also shut the government down. ”
Hillary Clinton
“Just put me down for whatever Bernie Sanders says.”
Rand Paul
“There is nothing in the Constitution about Klondikes, therefore I don’t think it’s up to anyone in the Federal government to have an opinion, nor to do anything related to the Klondike bar. What if I have an opinion on what I’d do for a Klondike, and that has an impact on the truly Glorious and Fantastic High Holy Free Market? I can’t have that. Also, Klondikes were a False Flag attack on Eskimo Pies.”
Marco Rubio
“Whatever it is I say I’ll do right now, if the polls start showing conservative voters are against it, I’ll change my mind. So…pandering. Pandering is what I’d do for a Klondike bar.”
Joe Biden
“Oh look, not everyone on the fucking planet thinks I’m invisible! Someone actually asked me a question. I can’t believe it. Are you sure you’d not rather ask Hillary instead?”
Mike Huckabee
“Oh, I love me some Klondikes. Wait a minute. I just looked at that word…Klon-DIKE. Well, clearly I can’t be supporting that product anymore, because as we all know homosexuality leads to Satan taking over this great land, and this Bubba ain’t gonna let no one get in the way of his grits, guns, gravy and gay sex. Wait. What did I just say?”
Sarah Palin
“HEY EVERYONE! LOOK AT ME! I’M OVER HERE! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I AM SAYING SOMETHING! WORDS ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH! GOD! JESUS! BENGHAZI! COMMUNIST! MOM JEANS! MAMA BEAR! OSAMA BIN OBAMA! CHIK-FIL-A! TAXES! THE ECOMONOPOLY! ALASKA! BEARS! ME! ME! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
