JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — The Western Wall has released the following statement, following President Donald Trump’s visit to the wall this week. In the statement, the Western Wall indicates that it had to breathe through its mouth for most of the time Trump was there in order to “avoid getting a whiff of the overpowering scent of KFC and vagina” that was present the whole time the president was in the wall’s presence. The statement also addresses the right-wing media claims that Trump was the first president to visit the wall, and compares the sizes of the presidential hands that had touched it in the past.
Today, an orange man claiming to be the President of the United States came and visited me. This is a historic moment in history because the orange man was the first sitting U.S. president to do such a thing. Then again, many of them have visited me as either candidates or later as private citizens. But to be fair to the angry orange man, yes, he was the first person to come and see me while holding office.
I have to say, I was a little puzzled that instead of tucking a prayer, written on a note, into me, that this dude put a map in one of my cracks instead. He was laughing as he did it, turned to one of his aides and then made some smart ass remark about how he was “bigly used to feeling up cracks” as he sees fit. Not sure what he meant, but the map he gave me was red and blue, and all the red states were circled with hearts, while the blue ones had dicks drawn on them.
Now, a lot of people have asked me to comment on this tangerine dude’s visit. A lot of people who have come to me since he was here have been curious as to what he said, if anything. They really want as many details as they can get about this walking, talking apricot’s time he spent with me. While I would never divulge details of any visitor’s conversations with me, and therefore God, let me just address one thing.
When it comes to the hands of foreign leaders who have come and touched me, I must say, frankly, I’ve seen bigger. Indeed, I was a little unimpressed with the size of this guy’s mitts.
Most definitely the guy who was president before the mango in a suit had way bigger hands. I’m only commenting on this because last year he made such a big deal about how huge his hands were, and I can verify from seeing them up close…they ain’t that big. In fact, I’ve seen little kids come here and touch me with hands much, much bigger than this guy’s.
I’ll also say, for the record, I had to breathe through my mouth the whole time he was standing three. I had to. I couldn’t think of any other way to avoid getting a whiff of the overpowering scent of KFC and vagina in the air. Whenever he’d reach, I’d wretch.
All in all it was an okay visit. Thankfully his famously short attention span kept him from lingering. I got the sense he’d be asking all kinds of questions about me, since I’m a wall. Honestly, I was a little nervous when I found out he was coming here, because we all know how horny he gets for walls in general, and I did not want him trying to grab me by my mortar and take a chunk of me home with him, know what I mean?
Thank you, and if you have any questions, please contact my publicity team at The Old Testament.
The White House could not be reached for comment.
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.
