FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — Outside the National Rifle Association’s headquarters in Virginia, NRA executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre held a press conference early Thursday morning, just hours after the most deadly mass shooting since Sandy Hook took place in San Bernardino, California, and told reporters he’d “finally cracked the case.”
The case LaPierre was referring to was, as he put it, “figuring out the magic number of guns on the street” needed to “end gun violence forever in America.” Mr. LaPierre, who has famously said the “the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun,” told the media that “contrary to liberal belief, the only way to stop gun violence is to pour more and more firearms onto the streets, arming every man, woman, child, dog and cat” so that a point of “gun-tastic equilibrium is achieved.”
“If everyone is afraid of everyone else blowing them away over simple disputes and the like,” LaPierre said at one point during the press conference, “that is the very definition of freedom. The freedom to live in abject fear of your neighbor’s arms cache and to plump yours up to epic proportions. Just like George Washington envisioned.”
LaPierre said that he knows for some the idea of more guns bringing down the level of gun violence is nonsensical, but “just like the only way to put out a fire is with more fire,” he intoned, “the only way to end gun violence is more and more guns.” LaPierre said that while liberals will “find the logic baffling” he believes “true Americans realize the only way to beat cancer is to not only let the cancer spread, but to introduce newer cancers into your body.”
“You know,” LaPierre said with a grin, “to protect yourself against the cancer already in your body.” LaPierre then told the press by his “advanced calculations” he determined the United States is “a mere 200 million more guns away” from having completely and utterly ended gun violence. “Yes, we already have over 300 million guns here,” LaPierre said, but obviously that barely covers one per American, and we all know that people like toddlers and people convicted of beating their wives need more guns, not less.”
When asked by reporters why he thinks the answer to systemic gun violence is to simply put more guns on the street, LaPierre giggled. Then he told reporters, “It’s kind of like when my basement flooded, and the first thing we did was get mop buckets to wet the floor down before we dried up the flood water.” Mr. LaPierre then announced, “On an unrelated note, our house is being torn down because for some reason water damage spread all over and eventually created so much mold and rot the liberal city government told me it was too dangerous to live there any longer.”
“When a dog bit my son,” LaPierre said as he was concluding his presser, “I made sure to round up every dog in the neighborhood and have them bite him as well.” He told the assembled reporters that with gun violence, “the same logic applies; more of the things making the problem worse will always help make the problem eventually go away.”
