Wayne LaPierre Calculating Body Count Needed to Do Something About Access to Guns

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FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told reporters at a press conference early this week that he will be locking himself away in a secluded cabin in the Appalachian mountain range with a singular purpose — to determine the actual number of people needed to be killed in multiple shooting events before the United States of America is allowed to do something about access to firearms.

“As you all know, the only real way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, or better yet an armed populace where everyone has at least six guns,” LaPierre told reporters outside the Fairfax, Virginia headquarters of the NRA, “but we at the NRA hear you loud and clear, and we can tell that you are making the mistake of wanting to do something about how easily people can get a gun in this country.” LaPierre said that it is “great, grave folly” to “do anything about our sacred, American God-given right to own an implement of murder” but ultimately, he says he is not “made of stone” and he is willing to “crunch the numbers” to figure out just how many innocent victims should be buried six feet under the ground before gun laws are looked at more seriously as a solution to the problem of gun violence in America.

LaPierre informed the press that he would be “walling” himself away in a secluded cabin he purchased years ago “to prepare for the inevitable Armageddon Obama and the liberal Democrats would bring upon our once great nation.” In the cabin, LaPierre says he has an “old school calculator with the big tape ribbon on it” and he will run various computations and formulas to figure out the exact number of people who will have to die at the barrel end of a gun in order for his organization to “give permission to Americans” to address gun violence.

“We all know that the Constitution clearly states you cannot do anything about gun violence unless you consult the NRA first,” LaPierre said, “and we all know that when the Founders wrote the Constitution they envisioned the Second Amendment not as a compromise on the contentious issue of a standing army as the historical record clearly indicates, but instead they wrote it hoping that one day we’d all be armed to the teeth for the eventual and inevitable day when we must rise up and put bullets into skulls of people we didn’t vote for and the people who did vote for those people in the name of our version of freedom, liberty, and justice.”

The NRA executive insists that his company “isn’t just concerned about the profits of the gun manufacturers” they represent. Rather, he said, they care most about “continuing to promulgate the myth that the Second Amendment is the greatest amendment in our Constitution” and also “passing the obsession with guns onto a new American generation.” However, LaPierre said, he “recognize[s] the fact that a lot of people are getting antsy and so some platitudes are in order.” Those platitudes, he says, “will hopefully placate the public and make them docile once again so that we can get back to the business of getting guns into the hands of every one who wants one or twelve of them, no matter how violent and unstable.”

“I will be in my cabin for as long as it takes to come up with the number of corpses it’ll take for the NRA to allow discussion of gun violence that leads to new laws,” LaPierre said, “but hopefully I’m in there long enough to where you all have forgotten about this latest mass murder that we’ll do nothing to address. Of course,as frequently as these things are happening now, you may have forgotten about this latest tragedy by then, but there’s probably going to be a new one by then as well.”

“And I promise you,” Mr. LaPierre said as he ended the press conference, “we’ll do just as much nothing about that one as we’ll do about this one.” He shrugged his shoulders, and Wayne LaPierre disappeared in a cloud of smoke and a loud bang.

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