Why Are People More Willing to Collect Unemployment Than The Slave Wages My Company Offers?

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by entrepreneur and NRN contributor Dustin Pewpson. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Pewpson are his own, and do not necessarily reflect those of this outlet, its staff, or ownership.

Clearly President Joe Biden’s lowkey, under-the-radar plan to make Americans die from socialism is well underway. How do I know this?

Because I can’t get a single, solitary person to accept one of several job openings at the companies I own. I have no fewer than four dozen open jobs at five different companies, and most of them don’t get applications more than once or twice a week. And it’s all Sleepy Joe and the Democrats’ faults for extending the pandemic unemployment insurance.


People in my state are far more willing to take unemployment than work at one of my companies. In exchange for a hard day’s work, I offer a slave wage that allows me to maximize my profits while minimizing my employees’ cut of those profits. It was a system that worked very well, for me, for a long, long time.

Then, the pandemic hit, and we were forced to shut down just because people didn’t want to take a chance they or their loved ones would get sick and die, forgetting that the entire reason George Jefferson and Thomas Washington founded this great nation was so that the rich would get richer on the back of the poor and stupid.

We conservatives have been trying to tell you all along — if you don’t let business owners completely and thoroughly bone the labor force, we will all die. Literally. All of us.

We’ll all die if you don’t make it easier and easier for job creators like me to create jobs that pay as little as we feel the plebian human detritus deserve. Now, all those cows are coming home to roost, and Biden’s policies will continue to hurt us until the chickens come home! Mark my words!

What boggles my mind is that even though unemployment payments are high enough to keep people from accepting the poverty wages I offer, they’re not that high. So you’re telling me that the pittance I offer you isn’t good enough to entice you to abandon the unemployment you’re getting that doesn’t even give you a six figure income? Unemployment won’t allow you to afford even half the cars in my secondary garage, but it’s good enough to keep you from working for barely above minimum wage?

The crumbs I scrape off my dinner table, and the scraps I give you from out of my dog’s bowl aren’t enough?! What kind of entitled, spoiled losers are we dealing with in this country if they can’t accept a dead-end, thankless job that doesn’t even pay them enough to keep them from having to take on more, even worse jobs, just to make ends meet, and would rather get a little money from the government instead?!

We even offer terrible health insurance that is expensive, but also unaffordable in terms of copays and out of pocket expenses. Would it be cheaper in the long run and give us more of a profit margin if we had a single-payer healthcare system that was paid for with taxes already levied? Of course! But let’s not get distracted; people are turning down our awful health insurance too!

The real kicker is this: If I can’t find people to fill these low-paying jobs soon, I may have to close my business, or worse — do all the work myself again! And I’m sorry, but I don’t make a hundred times more than the people actually doing what has to be done for us to be able to charge customers to do real work. I’m above that. You’re not. But I am. My brain is too important, my time too valuable.

Joe better figure this out soon, or there will be a whole lot of absolutely shitty jobs that never get filled again.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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