U.S. Government to Prove Its Moral Supremacy By Murdering a Murderer

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BOSTON, MA — “This is a victory for that grandest of American traditions — hypocrisy,” said Republican State Rep. Thom Thompaulsen at the news of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev — the man who along with his now deceased older brother attacked the 2013 Boston Marathon, setting off two homemade bombs, injuring dozens and killing three people including one eight-year-old boy — had  been sentenced to death as punishment for the attacks.”Nothing claims our moral superiority over those that kill than turning around killing that same person. Sure, we can’t bring back the victims this way, and it just winds up being another case of ‘eye for an eye’ and leaving everyone blind, but hey, who wants to be soft on terrorists? Not me,” Thompaulsen said.

Thompaulsen continued, “We have a rich tradition of hypocrisy in this country. Freedom for all, people of color, women, and the LGBT community. We condemn senseless acts of terrorism, but conduct extrajudicial drone bombing runs in countries we’re not even officially at war with, killing thousands of civilians in the meantime. So of course we’d turn around and give the death penalty to someone for killing people. It’s like that old saying, how does it go,” Thompaulsen asked, then remembering, “oh yeah, ‘do harm unto others as they have done to you because there’s no sense in trying to take a higher-evolved point of view on anything.'”

Newly confirmed U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch called the punishment of death “fitting,”  adding that she hopes “the completion of this prosecution will bring some measure of closure to the victims and their families.” Lynch also said that “no verdict can heal the souls of those who lost loved ones” but she still is satisfied with the idea of Tsarnaev being put to death as punishment for putting people to death.

“I figure by the third of fourth time they kill him,” said Barry Hendrickson a long time Boston resident and lifelong Democrat, “we’ll be pretty close to atoning for his sins.” Hendrickson was referring to the fact that Tsarnaev received six death sentences. “I can’t wait to see how they figure out to kill him so many times. I’d run out of ideas myself by execution number three, but this is America damnit! We won’t take ‘we’re out of ideas for state-sponsored murder’ for an answer, Go Pats!'”

Reached for comment, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), who is also an officially declared candidate for the 2016 presidential election, said that “I understand greatly the issue at hand. Me. Right?” Once we corrected Senator Cruz and told him we weren’t actually calling to talk to him about himself, he decided to just “hang up and go talk about the issues that matter — me, of course — with someone else.”

“The bottom line here is a simple one,” said Thompaulsen as he was wrapping up our interview, “the only way to ensure that radicalized people stop killing us, is by continuing to kill them. Again, no one wants to be accused of being soft on terrorism, so of course it makes total sense to execute the people who want execute all of us. It’s not like it sends some kind of warped mixed signals to people to say to them, ‘Hey, stop killing us, or we’ll kill you!'” Thompaulsen then gave us this analogy, “It’s like physically beating your kids for getting into a fight at school, you see. You reinforce the behavior you don’t want them to display, by displaying it yourself.”

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), said that she “is very pleased to know that one of the most important tenets this country was founded on ” is still “very much a part of the fabric that weaves this country together.” Feinstein says that tenet is “the notion that two wrongs most definitely make a right, or at least whatever America does is right no matter how wrong it seems.”


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