FAIRFAX, VA — The National Rifle Association has just announced that with the Umpqua Community College shooting in Roseburg, Oregon, the United States of America is now just 5 school shootings away from earning a free school shooting.
Jack Levi, the NRA’s deputy assistant chief press liason told reporters that after the country receives five more stamps on their “Frequent School Shooting” card, it will earn itself one free school shooting. The card was given to Congress by the NRA at the end of 2014, marking the two-year anniversary of the Sandy Hook Elementary massacre that killed 20 children under the age of eight. Since that school shooting in December of 2012, there have been more than 70 separate shooting incidents at American schools, with 45 coming just this year alone.
“The NRA understands these shootings are painful and tragic for the victims,” Levi said, “but in a free society that loves guns the way that guns deserve to be loved, we have to be willing to accept a few dozen school shootings as payment for that freedom.” But, Levi says, the NRA also wants to help “give back” to the country “whose blood soaked classrooms we’re profiting off,” and so they created a variety of shooting loyalty cards to encourage Americans to accept the mounting body counts as simply “a small price to pay for true freedom.”
Mr. Levi also explained to reporters how a free school shooting works. He said that the 51st school shooting to take place will earn the school that the shooting took place at a “very nice plaque,” and a complimentary shipment of body bags. The NRA will also send commemorative lanyards to every American citizen, marking the “momentous and historical occasion in time when collective apathy allowed institutions of learning to be assaulted by gunmen more then fifty times without any action taken by the people or their government,” as Levi put it.
“Honestly,” Levi said as the press conference was wrapping up, “we think it takes enormous intestinal fortitude to watch not one, not two, not twenty, not thirty, not forty, but forty-five separate school shootings in less than a full calendar year and still stubbornly insist that there is literally nothing we could do about gun violence in this country.” Levi paused a moment and then, “Don’t get me wrong, that’s exactly the kind of thinking that the NRA has been trying to get people to engage, so we’re pleased as hell about it, and don’t want it to change, except maybe to make guns even more revered and treated as holy implements of God’s own will.”
“It’s just that it really does take a lot of devotion to an antiquated, 18th century idea of national defense,” Levi said, “and the NRA is just so grateful to Congress and our board members for having that kind of devotion to profits over people in the name of bastardized versions of liberty and freedom. I mean, just because gun control has been extremely effective in other countries, that doesn’t mean it’d work here, right? So just ignore reality and keep on keepin’ on, America, and after five more school shootings — or you know, two weeks, you’ll get your free school shooting, on us, The National Rifle Association.”
