Tucker Carlson Will Rub Reese’s Pieces on His Ken Doll Patch Instead

Published on

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Fox News host Tucker Carlson is breaking off what he called a “decades-long romantic relationship,” and announced over the weekend that he was embarking on a new love affair.

“As of this morning, I’m done with M&M’s. All their woke BS has forced me to reevaluate my choice in candy lovers, and quite frankly without the sexy go-go boots, I just don’t find M&M’s all that attractive. I like traditional, binary candy gender roles, and I am not ashamed to say it,” Tucker said during a radio interview on W-KKK AM.

Why Didn’t His Natural Immunity to Crashes Keep Him Being Thrown From His Car?

Last week, the Mars Company caused outrage on the right when it announced that some of its anthropomorphic M&M characters would be updated. Mostly, the changes are in the style of clothing the M&Ms are wearing. In particular, the green candy was given different shoes and her look was changed to be less sexually charged.

“Do liberals have any respect for anything that’s traditional anymore? Do they not understand the kind of society they are asking for, if they don’t keep our animated candy mascots with traditional gender roles and identifiers? Frankly,” Carlson said, “I think this is all George Soros’ fault, and this week I plan on asking Dan Bongino’s dumbfuck white nationalist fact checker, Matt Palumbo, if his new book covers the Soros/M&M connection.”

Carlson announced that he was in the process of starting up a “much more fiery, sexually charged” relationship with M&M’s competitor, Reese’s Pieces.

“I’m going to run those bad boys all over my Ken Doll Patch. I can’t wait, actually. I’ve always had a feeling I’d enjoy fucking Reese’s Pieces more than M&M’s,” Carlson announced, “and now I’m going to get the opportunity to test my theory out.”

Trump’s Lawyers Advise Him to Throw All His Kids Under the Bus, Even the Ones He Wants to Fuck

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How did this end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have...

I Live in Arkansas. Can My 10 Year Old Work as a Bouncer at a Drag Bar?

I moved to Arkansas before I was a father, so I can't say that...

Jesus: “Silencing Transgender People Isn’t Christian, It’s Cunty”

"I specifically told people to stop being judgmental little twatwaffles to everyone." In Montana, elected...

A Complete List of All the 2024 Presidential Candidates Currently on Trial for Rape

In New York City, a former President of the United States is being sued...