UNDISCLOSED BUNKER, WYOMING — Former Vice-President Dick Cheney announced late this week that he was endorsing Donald Trump for president. Those who follow politics closely might be surprised to find Cheney endorsing Trump now, as he had already done so earlier this year. But, Cheney says, Trump’s first debate performance featured a specific moment that inspired him to give Trump a new, “super-duper double” endorsement of Trump.
“When Donald Trump told Hillary Clinton that we should have taken Iraq’s oil,” Cheney told reporters during a conference call from an undisclosed bunker, “he suggested an outright war crime. Anyone who knows me knows that war crimes are the quickest way into pants and the quickest way to get me to endorse you. Since I’ve already endorsed Mr. Trump, let me just say that I hereby super-duper double endorse him.”
Cheney said that in his view Trump is the “kind of president” that he’d have loved to serve under.
“Don’t get me wrong, George was alright,” Cheney said, “but toward the end he got a little lippy. He stopped just doing as he was told. Trump, though? That motherfucker’s such an empty vessel that I would pay good blood money to go back in time with him as my boss. So many of the things I wanted to do in Iraq but George wouldn’t let me would be no big deal to Donny. This dude wants to nuke countries that disrespect him, and he doesn’t think it would cause a war. That’s the kind of blind chutzpah and misplaced hubris that gives me the chubbiest of chubs.”
The former vice president told reporters that an “opportunity like Trump doesn’t come around often.” He said that he was certain if he had been able to work under Trump instead of Bush, his plans to build a super weapon with enough power to destroy a planet would have been approved.
“But Georgey thought my idea for a Killing Sun was just too much,” Cheney said with disdain in his voice, “and that decision cost me so much damn money in defense contracts. But Trump? He’d have insisted we build twelve of the battle stations and he’d even make the Bothan spies pay for them!”
Trump’s gleeful willingness to ignore the Geneva Accords may scare many moderate conservatives, but Cheney insists that’s one of Trump’s “most powerful assets.”
“The dark side clearly courses through him,” Cheney said, the audible sound of lightning sparking from fingertips heard in the background of the call, “and that’s a great thing. His willingness to break international law and commit war crimes is one of his most powerful assets. After all, what better way to say you’re the law and order candidate than to advocate breaking international laws and creating disorder?”
The Trump campaign issued a statement saying the candidate was “pleased as punch” to be endorsed by “the world’s leading leading war criminal and Sith lord.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
