BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA — President-Elect Donald Trump told those in attendance at a stop on his victory tour this morning that he had someone “very special and uniquely qualified” in mind for a top level cabinet position in his administration.
“Peter Foxerson is an old, dear friend of mine,” Trump told the press and rally attendees in Baton Rouge today, “and I think as a literal fox, he’s the perfect man to put in charge of the Hen House Defense department, don’t you?”
Trump’s crowd roared in approval.
“Yes, he’s a billionaire just like me,” Trump said of Mr. Foxerson, a fox that Trump aides said the president-elect has known for many years, “and so not only do you know he’s a fox, and therefore sly and cunning, but he’s also super-rich so you know by default he’s just a little better than most of you. No offense, but you all know being rich is next to godliness already. I don’t have to tell you. You look like a crowd that reads your bibles religiously. Get it? Religously? Goddamn I’m funny today! I tell the best jokes.”
Foxerson, according to his LinkedIn profile, is a 68-year-old fox who got started in finance as a stock broker. Eventually he climbed the Wall Street ladder of success and has run one of the largest hedge funds in the animal kingdom for ten years. As Secretary of Hen House Defense, however, none of his experience in the financial sector would seem applicable, as the only job of the HHDD is to protect the country’s hen houses from attack both within and outside the hen house.
“I’m really, really looking forward to the opportunity,” Foxerson told a radio station in his home state of Connecticut this morning, “to get in there and truly sink my teeth into the job.”
President-Elect Trump literally patted himself on the back as he spoke about the selection of Foxerson.
“It’s really kind of a genius move,” Trump told everyone, “it really is. Think about it. A lot of people would be afraid to make this pick. I don’t know why, really. It’s been absolutely ages since I’ve seen Pete eat a hen. He’s gone to a pretty much vegan diet, as far as I know. And more to the point, who knows better how to defend a hen house than a fox? It’s genius, genius I tell you. If anyone else tells you it’s not genius, they’re lying. Remember, I tell the truth, they don’t. Truth, me, lies, them. Bing-bang-boom, Make America Great Again.”
Asked by the radio host whether Hen-Americans should feel unease about his appointment, Mr. Foxerson emphatically said there’s nothing for anyone to worry about, Hen-American or otherwise.
“Yeah, sure I like the taste of hen,” Foxerson admitted, “I like it. But that doesn’t mean you can’t trust me to faithfully execute the duties of my job, just because of this one, simple conflict of interest.”
Foxerson further explained, “It’s not like I’m going to run the EPA and I hate the EPA, right? It’s not like I’m going to head-up the labor department and I hate laborers and don’t believe in the minimum wage, here people. I’m just a fox guarding the hen houses of this great nation and I’m so rich I probably won’t care too much about being held accountable for any disastrous outcomes my actions or inactions cause. Relax, everyone.”
Senator Chuck Schumer, incoming Senate Minority Leader, told the media he was “outraged and incensed” by the nomination of Foxerson.
“But as a Democrat,” Schumer said, “I’m innately and intuitively programmed to not do anything about it.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
