Trump Wants Ann Coulter as Next DHS Secretary

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the weekend, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen tendered her resignation, signalling yet another departure from President Donald Trump‘s cabinet.

There has been widespread reporting in multiple outlets that Nielsen and Trump were constantly ad odds over DHS immigration and border policies. Reportedly, Mr. Trump would on occasion call Secretary Nielsen at her home and berate her for not, in his estimation, doing enough to stop illegal immigration.

This morning, reportedly the president told Mick Mulvaney, his Chief of Staff, to setup a phone interview for someone he’s got in mind to replace outgoing Secretary Nielsen.

“Mick! MICK! Get Ann Coulter on the horn, Mick,” Trump was overheard shouting from inside the Oval Office. “I’m ready to make nice with her and I think I’ve got an offer she’ll find too bigly to refuse!”

According to several highly-placed sources within the White House, President Trump is prepared to offer right-wing pundit and hard line anti-immigrant conservative Ann Coulter to replace Nielsen at the DHS. Coulter has long been a proponent of the staunchest, harshest tactics for curbing illegal immigration, and Trump believes she has “gotten so rich being anti-Mexican” she’ll be the perfect person to implement chief policy adviser and Hair Club for Fascists President Stephen Miller’s policies.

“Ann’s got the balls for the job,” Trump insisted to his chief of staff. “She’ll get the job done.”

Trump told Mulvaney that he liked a lot about Nielsen, but that ultimately she wasn’t “tough enough on brown people.”

“Look, Kirstjen was hot AF, okay? She reminded me a lot of my super-fine First Lady,” Trump admitted. “But looking like my daughter isn’t enough to keep your job around here, not on my watch! I like Ann because she’s both heartless and soulless, but she’s also craven and depraved and we can’t pass up a chance to bring someone with her skills into this reich.”

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Mulvaney apparently raised some concerns about Trump simply hiring a media personality to head up a cabinet department. Trump apparently scoffed and laughed so hard he farted. Trump blamed Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who was not in the room at the time for the fart, and chastised Mulvaney for “daring to question” his is “presidential decrees.”

“Heather Nauert was a flapping face on Fox News before I made her a State Department official, and just last week I nominated a Fox News pundit and Herman Cain to the Federal Reserve board,” Trump mockingly told Mulvaney. “If you think my base will do anything but cheer this decision, you’re cray-cray Mickey Baby!”

Mr. Mulvaney reminded Trump he’s supposed to be the president of all Americans, not just his base.

“That’s not what the Constal-tooshin says Mick! Stephen told me that I can put anyone in charge of anything I want,” Trump blustered. “Do as I say! NOW NOW NOW, MOMMY!”

Trump caught himself.

“Oh, sorry. Force of old habit,” Trump said, apologizing to his chief of staff. “I get carried away. But seriously, do what I tell you to do, okay, Mick? Make that Ann Coulter broad my next DHS Secretariat, I hereby order it!”

Reached for comment, Ms. Coulter said she was too busy training for her Triple Crown attempt to commit to anything specifically, but in a written statement she said she was “uber complimented by mein president’s offer.”

Fox News host Laura Ingraham is said to be inconsolable, and is wondering why she bothered to personally kidnap all those Mexican-looking kids and lock them up in dog crates if Trump wasn’t even going to consider her for the job. Fellow Fox contributor and resident screeching racist Muppet Timothy Lahren told reporters she was glad she wasn’t asked to be the next DHS secretary.

“I don’t want to be in a cabinet, because I have closet-phobia anyway,” Lahren told her followers on Instagram yesterday. “So I fully support my Alpha model getting the job instead.”

This story is developing.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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