WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Co-President of the United States plans to ask Congress to create a new tax for the sole purpose of covering the costs of extra Secret Service protection that is required for both his New York City residence and the south Florida resort he calls his “Southern White House.”
“We haven’t had a Southern White House since the glorious days of the confederacy,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters this week at a briefing, “so we understand why some Americans might be taken aback by having to front the costs of security at Mar-A-Lago. But clearly the poos-puss-possum-PRESIDENT is going to be spending a lot of time golfing on the weekends, and we need to make sure he is safe at all times.”
Trump, while returning to the White House from a lunch at a D.C. area Hooters, told the press pool the extra tax was a “patriotic contribution” to maintaining his “fancy pants lifestyle.”
“And we all know the American people, all seventy-eight trillion of them who voted for me,” Trump said, “did so because they were impressed by my gold toilet, gold door, gold walls, and well, you know, my fancy pants lifestyle.”
Mr. Trump said those in his base who “hate taxes” and consider them theft and a crime against humanity should still “take heart and trust” in him.
“Don’t worry, my fellow Republicans,” Trump said, smiling into the cameras’ lenses, “I know you want to cut programs that hurt the poor. We’re going to do both, don’t you understand? This is Classic Republicansim 101. Slash taxes and slash government programs. Because the only thing, the only thing in the whole world, that matters is sweet, sweet money and making sure we rich people have so much of it we never worry about losing a single dime.”
Co-President Trump said that the tax will be a “modest” one, and that it be “barely felt by the plebs.”
“Look, it’s going to be a tax on poor people things,” Trump said, “like Top Ramen and canned tuna. So I can see how the poors and plebs would be worried. But let me just reassure you — soon you’ll have nothing to worry about. I mean, when you lose everything because you can’t afford to pay for it, that’s still having nothing to lose, so I’m right, you’re wrong, bip-bam-boom, PRESIDENTIN’!”
Budget director Mick Mulvaney later told reporters that the security tax will only be asked for if Congress doesn’t agree to the substantial cuts the Trump budget proposes.
“Look, all they have to do is kill Meals on Wheels,” Mulvaney said, “kill the Endowment for the Arts, and pretty much take away all the drop in the bucket stuff that only helps poor people, and we don’t have to ask for a tax. But if the American people aren’t willing to give up clean air and food for old and sick people, I guess we gotta tax ’em, don’t we? It’s a noble sacrifice so the president’s trophy wife can live as comfortably far away from her sexual predator husband as possible.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
