Trump Threatens to Deport “The Squad” to New Mexico

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The war of words between President Donald Trump and a group of four freshmen Democratic congresswomen is heating up, and showing no signs of stopping. Over the weekend, users of Twitter saw the hashtag #RacistPresident begin to trend after Mr. Trump viciously attacked Reps. Ilhan Omar (D-MN), Rashida Tlaib (D-MI), Ayanna Pressley (D-MA), and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) with what many of called naked, aggressive, racist rhetoric. In a series of tweets, Trump implied that the four, who call themselves, “The Squad,” should leave the United States and go back to their home countries.

However, three of the four women were born in the United States, and the other, Omar, is a naturalized citizen.

Within moments of Trump’s initial attack, he was being condemned and the #RacistPresident hashtag sprung up. But by the end of the day, Trump wasn’t willing to back down or apologize. Instead, he doubled-down, and then doubled-down once more this morning. It appears this fight is one that will continue for some time. Trump is apparently very upset that Rep. Ocasio-Cortez has been so vocal about the conditions in the detainment camps the Trump administration is forcing separated migrant families seeking asylum into.

Just moments before publication of this article, President Trump hastily called together a press conference in the Oval Office. When the press pool arrived, Trump was sitting behind the Resolute Desk, a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke in one hand, and a KFC biscuit, covered in gravy that was dripping all over the desk, in the other. Trump motioned for everyone to enter the room.

“Come in, come in, quickly,” Trump beckoned the reporters, “I just have something to say really quickly. Won’t take too long.”

Thirty minutes of rambling, incoherent babble about “conflicted Bob Mueller’s 18 million angry Democrats,” a woman named “Crooked H,” and “FAKE NEWS MEDIA JERKS,” Trump got down to the business at hand, and why he assembled the press conference.

“I just spoke to my senior policy and genocide adviser Stephen Miller, and he said that he talked to my personal attorney, William Barr, and they both agreed I have the power to deport whomever I so choose,” Trump announced, “and so, I am here to announce a possible, potential, probable, deportation. Actually, four of them. All together.”

President Trump told the media that unless the Squad “immediately and believably” apologize to him, they will face immediate deportation to New Mexico.

“I’d send them to Regular Mexico, but they’re not returning my calls right now,” Trump divulged, “so New Mexico it is. Which, of course, proves I’m not racist against those dirty non-whites, because I’m sending them to somewhere new and shiny, I think. Who knows? I certainly don’t.”

Trump says the four congresswomen have shown an “alarming sense of self-worth and value” and that they are “brazenly trying to hold [the president] accountable.”

“These so-called Americans are brazenly trying to hold me accountable. Apparently they never got the memo that I don’t do accountability,” Trump seethed. “Frankly, they have an alarming sense of self-worth and value that is somehow giving them the idea that they’re my co-equals. Where in the hell did they get the idea they’re my equals in government?”

Just then, someone slipped Trump a copy of the Constitution to sign an autograph for a donor.

“What’s his? Never seen it before. It’s ugly, I don’t like it. Get me a copy of my book,” Trump ordered, “I’ll sign that instead. Thank you.”

President Trump says he’s already been “on the horn” with New Mexico’s president and “all the details are in place,” should the Squad not apologize to him.

“The President of New Mexico said he’s more than happy to work with me because I’m not racist, have totally normal shaped hands, and genitals that are in no way evocative of characters from Super Mario that are small and wear mushroom caps,” Trump said. “But all those uppity urbans have to do is apologize to me, their beautiful, orangeish-white president, and everything will be fine. Once they learn not to call my racist rhetoric racist, this country can really MAGA.”

Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi angrily reminded Trump that the Squad has “no reason” to apologize to him, and that the president owes her an apology.

“He overstepped his bounds,” Pelosi said. “I’m the one who is supposed to insult and belittle the Squad in the press, not him. This is almost enough to make me want to do something, but I feel like just saying words will probably suffice. Yes. Yes they will. Gosh I’m so smart. Thanks Nancy! You’re welcome Nancy!”

Another Story: Trump Orders Social Media Companies To Require Users To Like And Follow Him

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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