High Energy Alpha Male Too Chickenshit to Testify Under Oath About the Insurrection He Started

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the late 1990’s President William Jefferson Clinton was ensnared in a political scandal that could have ended his presidency, and his opponents in the Republican Party who controlled the House of Representatives at the time did everything they could to do just that. As part of their impeachment proceedings against him, House Republicans forced Clinton to testify under oath about a mouth that had been around his presidential penis that didn’t belong to his wife, First Lady Hillary Clinton (who would later be forced to testify for several hours under oath before a Senate hearing over her role in the Benghazi terror attack). During his testimony, Clinton famously dodged a question by asking what the lawyer’s definition of “‘is’ is.”

Two presidential administration’s later, there was a man who served for a single term and managed to get impeached twice. The former reality-TV game show host and current white collar criminal and previous occupant of the Oval Office was impeached the second time, which has never been done before, just days before he left office after inciting a riot on the capitol rotunda. On January 6th, 2021, the high energy alpha male stood before a massive crowd of his angry, violent supporters and lied to them about having last year’s election stolen.

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Despite spending four years boasting about how tough and strong he is, and claiming he’s a “fighter,” when House Democrats called on the 45th President to testify during his upcoming second impeachment trial, he refused. On the Hill, this sent reverberations of confusion through his most loyal and ardent supporters.

“This is just makes no sense to me. I might be a simple crackhead from rural Georgia,” Qongresswoman Marjorie Craycrayor Greene told reporters today, “but it seems like someone who is an alpha male and superior in every way would not back down from a challenge. Does this mean other things I believed to be true aren’t? NO! There simply HAS to be a secret Jewish space laser up there somewhere!”

Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX) simply balled like a baby when asked about the former president declining to testify before the Senate. His collage Josh Hawley told everyone in an interview simulcast on Fox News, OAN, and Newsmax to millions of people that the second impeachment trial “is just another example of conservatives being canceled and censored,” but that he is still “sad and disappointed” about the decision not to testify.

“This is…this feels like a real bitch move,” Qongressman Matt Gaetz slurred, booze flying from his lips, “and he’s coming off like a soyboy beta cuck! OH MY GOD IS HE ACTUALLY A SOYBOY BETA CUCK AND NOT AN ALPHA MALE GOD KING EMPEROR? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE?!”

Gaetz stumbled off, tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, farted as he fell, and passed out cold on the steps in front of the Rotunda.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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