WASHINGTON, D.C. — During the 2016 presidential campaign, one of now President Trump’s most important promises to his base was the construction of a massive border along the southern border of the United States. Trump insisted throughout the campaign that Mexico would pay for the wall, exciting a voting bloc that is largely hostile toward the country’s neighbor to the south. Estimates for the wall have been in the billions, and at every opportunity, Mexican leadership has flatly refused to pay for the wall, leading Mr. Trump to float the idea of the military paying for the wall instead.

In a tweet, Trump said that the omnibus spending bill he signed into law last week created an opportunity to “build a great Border Wall” and since it is “all about National Defense,” he exclaimed that the U.S. should “build WALL through M!” It can only be assumed that Trump meant “military,” however it’s also possible he meant “Maple Sausage” or “Monkey Farts.” The White House clarified later he was indeed referring the military.

Because of the $700 & $716 Billion Dollars gotten to rebuild our Military, many jobs are created and our Military is again rich. Building a great Border Wall, with drugs (poison) and enemy combatants pouring into our Country, is all about National Defense. Build WALL through M!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 25, 2018

There has already been considerable push back from both Democrats and Republicans on this idea. The omnibus bill did not specify any funds for Trump’s wall, which means that in order for him to actually use any funds from the military budget to do so, Congress would need to step in. Budgetary funds can not simply be moved around without congressional approval. It’s unclear at this time how hard Trump will pursue that effort, however this morning in the Oval Office he indicated that he and senior policy adviser Stephen Miller have formulated a plan they think is a serviceable backup.

“Stephen and I were talking the other night, and he and I thought about something,” Trump said. “What if we borrow a little from Column A, and a little from Column B?”

President Trump indicated that if Congress will not let him shift funding within the spending bill’s allocation for military spending toward his wall, that he will ask Mexican American soldiers to foot the bill instead. Trump said that it would be “the best of both worlds” and a “bigly but suitable compromise.”

“Mexico won’t pay for it,” Trump explained, “and you all didn’t like it when I said the military will pay for it instead, so I figured this was the best of both worlds.”

Should the plan to have Mexican American soldiers pay for the border wall go forward, Trump would order the Pentagon to draft a one question survey to be sent to all members of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, and even the famed Bowling Green Commando Squadron. President Trump proudly told everyone what the question was, boasting that he “has the brain big enough to memorize complex things.”

“Are you now, or have you ever been Mexican-ish, Mexicanny, or Meixco-rific? Isn’t that just perfect? Of course it is,” Trump said. “I mean, think about it. Getting Mexico to pay for the wall is definitely ideal, but aren’t people who have family from Mexico just as brown? I figure this way, it’s still being handled by the military, just you know, certain TYPES of military people, if you catch my drift.”

All those who respond in the affirmative will be issued special sombrero and taco patches, which they most sew to their uniforms. On each pay day, commanding officers will go to each enlisted person and check for their patch. All those wearing a patch will be asked to hand over whatever money they have in their wallets, or be subject to a stiff fine.

“Hee hee, I said stiff,” Trump said, stroking a copy of Forbes Magazine while muttering his daughter’s name under his breath. “One or another, someone from Mexico, or who has parents or grandparents from Mexico is paying for my beautiful wall, don’t you worry about it!”

Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said he was “shocked and dismayed” at the “blatant racism” proposed by Trump and Miller.

“I won’t do a thing about it, but I will speak feebly about how offensive it is,” Ryan said. “So, you know that has to count for something, right?”

This story is developing.

James’ satire can be found on this site, and on Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, and The Political Garbage Chute.

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