Trump Says He And Jack Twitter ‘Have a Much Better Understandment of Each Other’ After Oval Office Meeting

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump had a closed-door meeting with the CEO of his favorite social media platform today, and he told aides afterward that he came to “have a much better understandment of each other.”

“Me and Jack Twitter, we were like two peas in a pod, let me tell you,” President Trump was overheard telling Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “Not at all like that dullard Mark Facebook, or that super-nerd Tim Apple!”

Earlier in the day, Trump absolutely tore into Twitter, accusing them “playing their political games” and “constantly taking people off list,” which was Trump-Speak for Twitter removing bot accounts that aren’t real people from his followers.

Trump was echoing complaints from conservative pundits, politicians, and average citizens that Twitter censors their views. Despite the fact that Twitter has denied the allegations, and experts who study social media saying the complaints aren’t founded in fact, Trump has continued to be the mouthpiece of his allegedly disenfranchised base.

“He explained to me that my beautiful bot friends can’t stay on my list because it’s hard for him to sell people’s private data to companies when the people buying them can’t be sure if they’re real people or not,” Trump said. “And he told me about how it’s all Al Gore’s rythm’s fault for conservatives not getting as much reach or engagement on social media; it’s definitely not that we say mean, backwards, or just plain awfullly stupid stuff!”

Mr. Twitter, for his part, has said in the past that his site must treat the accounts of heads of state differently than those of regular citizens.

“Blocking a world leader from Twitter or removing their controversial Tweets would hide important information people should be able to see and debate,” the company wrote. “It would also not silence that leader, but it would certainly hamper necessary discussion around their words and actions.” (Vice)

“I thanked Jack for recognizing that when I target someone for abuse and unleash Russian trolls and angry, mouth-breathing, gun toting real people on them, it’s different than when a pleb does it,” Trump told Sanders. “I told him that’s the kind of double-standards a God Emperor King President or whatever I am expects and deserves.”

Trump later tweeted out a photo of the meeting.

“I really think Jack and I get each other much more betterer now than we did before,” Trump said. “I told him I’m tired of my good, close, personal friends like @SharonFreedomPatriot12345 and @JohnnyGoodAmerican1488 taken off my Top Friends list. He said, and I don’t know why he told me this, that he didn’t run MySpace. I was like, ‘No freakin’ duh, otherwise your name wouid be Jackie MySpace.’ He really liked my joke, laughed super hard. Everyone did, now that I think of it. Someone just randomly offered my a sitcom and a production deal of that one joke, amazing, really.”

President Trump says that during his meeting he also gave Mr. Twitter explicit instructions to “wipe out, delete, and cancel” all of President Barack Obama’s tweets from his old @POTUS45 Twitter handle.

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“I told Jack Twitter that all of Previous Black Administration’s tweets were deemed unconstellational by me and Ivanka the other night while watched Apprentice re-runs in before bed,” Trump explained. “So if a president says something ain’t in the Constitution, by law that means it ain’t anymore, okay? Jack seemed to get it. He really did. He just kept nodding and checking his watch so he could go home and write down the exact time I gave him each really genius idea I had.”

Trump says he gave Mr. Twitter several “very bigly smart” suggestions for “making Twitter less libtarded and mroe MAGA as fuck.”

“First of off, I told Twitter he should immediately put Crooked H’s account in Twitter jail. Lock her up, you know,” Trump told Huckabee Sanders. “Then I said he should really consider letting me have infinity characters so I can just, you know, drown out everyone in the FAKE NEWS ANGRY BOB MUELLER DEMOCRAT ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE NEWS. He seemed to really get a kick out of that one, considering how hard he laughed, which really made me think hard about that sitcom deal, let me tell you what.”

Jack Twitter could not be reached for comment.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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