NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald Trump told reporters just a day before Christmas Eve that next year, as commander in chief, he may have a private “sit down” with St. Nicholas of the North Pole. Trump said he intended to discuss America’s contract with St. Nicholas, known also as Santa Claus, for the delivery of toys to all the good boys and girls in the country. Trump said he’s a little worried about the “message getting free toys sends” to children who are in poorer families.
“The only time people should get things for free,” Trump told reporters, “is when their father takes off his white hood and hands it to them on high. And besides, if there’s going to be a pot-bellied old man that the people worship around the holidays, it’s gonna be me, Presidemperor Trump, period. Okay?”
Trump said that while rich kids are “quite used to getting stuff they want all the time” he is concerned that when the same happens for poor kids just once a year it could “make those poor kids mistakenly think they’re as important as rich people.” That, Trump said, would “set a dangerous president” that his administration doesn’t want to encourage.
“Whats next after that,” Trump asked rhetorically, “thinking they’re entitled to food, shelter, an education? It’s boot straps time people. You can either pull yourself up by them, by borrowing a tiny little sum of around a million bucks, or you can struggle, work five underpaying jobs, and die bitter, angry and poor. Just don’t forget now that Republicans are in charge, we’ll be convincing you that it’s government’s faults your jobs don’t pay as much as they used to, and not the faults of the employers who decided to pad their profit margins by offshoring, downsizing, and automating you out of work. So you know, that’s fucking cool too, you know what I mean? Of course you do. Who’s got some blow for Daddy Prespres?”
The alleged billionaire and reality-TV star Trump told the press he and his advisers had already begun work on a plan to drastically reform the Christmas gift program between the U.S. and Santa.
“We cannot allow the roots of socialism to take hold anywhere in our country,” Trump said, “and that includes around Christmas time. So we think Santa should be more supportive of a free market present solution. Once a year, he’ll set up a shop and kids with the most money will get the most stuff. That’s really how it should work anyway, right? This will help reinforce the importance of money, having money, getting more money at all costs, and above all else, money again. Money is important enough to mention twice.”
Santa Claus couldn’t be reached for comment, but Mrs. Claus sent a short statement.
“Fuck that orange faced, Naughty Listed bag of shit.” the statement read.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
