Trump to Rename Military Bases After Hitler, Mussolini, and Hirohito

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Protests over the killing of George Floyd, an unarmed black suspect who died while a Minneapolis police officer knelt on his neck for more than eight minutes, have once more pushed the United States into an uncomfortable, volatile dialogue about race. For more than two centuries, the African slave trade bolstered the fledgling American economy, and since then, the U.S. has grappled in various ways — including a Civil War — over the ramifications of building so much of its early economic power on the backs of free, enslaved labor. One tangential conversation that has sprung up in relation to Floyd’s murder has been what do about various monuments, statues, and tributes to generals and soldiers who fought for the Confederacy during the aforementioned American Civil War.

Protesters in various cities have begun toppling or otherwise defacing monuments to confederates, prompting many Republicans — who belong to the same party as the president who fought to defeat those waving the confederate flag — to condemn those protesters. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Penile Folds) called people who pulled down a statue of Christopher Columbus, who didn’t fight for the confederacy, but who has become a symbol for racist colonialism of the past, “American Taliban.”

Even U.S. military bases throughout the country have come under scrutiny in the past week because some were named after confederate generals, who quite literally fought in open battle against the very armed forces honoring their namesakes. Perhaps surprisingly, given his reticence to comment publicly on issues, President Trump weighed-in on whether he thinks military bases should be renamed, as has been rumored to be in the works within the Department of Defense.

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Mr. Trump came out against renaming the bases.

Sources within the White House say that Trump’s initial three tweets on the subject “prolly had too many dictionary words” in them for his base to understand his position. So, the president decided he needed to “dumb it down and MAGA it up” with a shorter, more concise version of the tweets. However this time, in signature all-caps fashion.

But those were not the final thoughts the president had on the subject of military base names, however. Shouting at reporters while he paced the White House lawn and “let out the morning toots” as he’d describe it, Trump said he’d “done some more thinking” on the subject and had decided that renaming some bases would be “bigly fine and okay.” However, in order not to ruffle too many of his supporters’ feathers, he decided to “keep the theme” of previous naming conventions.

“Obviously a lot of uppity urbans and urban lovers are super-mad about naming army bases after people who served in General Lee’s great army,” Trump yelled, “however, I can’t just take away my very fine people’s bases without giving them something in return.”

The president has decided to “keep the spirit” of three previous base names, though he will suggest that they be named for “other people who wanted to destroy the United States.”

“We’re still working on the final details,” Trump said, “but sometime later this year, we will have a Fort Hitler, Fort Mussolini, and a Fort Hirohito. It’s only appropriate to continue to name our bases after the people who we fought wars against.”

Sen. Ted Cruz has called this move “the greatest decision any president who thinks my wife is ugly and my dad helped kill JFK.”

“I think this is great. This is fantastic. This is amazingly wonderful,” Cruz said. “Wait, Trump said it right? This is something Trump said?”

Someone nearby confirmed to Cruz that in fact Trump had proposed naming the bases after Hitler, Mussolini, and Hirohito.

“Okay, good, yes! Phew! I was afraid I was about to get something mean said about me,” Cruz said. “If you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with my dentist so he can remove all my teeth. President Trump has told me he’s tired of how scraped up I make his dong.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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