WASHINGTON, D.C. — When Donald Trump came down from the White House’s presidential residence to the Oval Office late this afternoon to retrieve a copy of TV Guide he’d left on the Resolute Desk, he was surprised to find a handful of reporters milling about. Trump invited them into the office and gave an impromptu, fifteen minute press conference. Understandably, the focus of most of the reporters’ questions was the testimony of Michael Cohen, Mr. Trump’s once longtime personal attorney and “fixer.”
During a hearing of the House Oversight Committee, Cohen testified that Trump is a “racist,” and gave the committee copies of checks signed by the president himself. The checks were purported by Cohen to represent repayment for the hush money he laid out on Trump’s behalf to adult film star Stormy Daniels in the waning days of the 2016 presidential election. Cohen was indicted and plead guilty to several counts stemming from FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump campaign and Russian interference in the election.
Trump was asked if he has any regrets about anything related to Cohen, or his tenure as the president’s attorney. Though he isn’t one that’s known for self-reflection and holding himself accountable, Mr. Trump did admit to harboring at least some feelings of regret when it comes to Michael Cohen.
“Regrets? I’ve got a few, sure,” Trump admitted. “I regret, with the gift of hiney-sight, ever lying about lying about telling Michael Cohen to lie about how I lied. That was just, frankly, one lie too many. And it’s like that scene in A Christmas Story, with all the plugs in the outlet? One lie too many and it blows the whole thing out.”
The president then mentally worked out, out loud, where exactly he went wrong, in his own estimation.
“I think if I had only lied about the first lies that I told, but lied about the lies I told Mickey Coham to tell for me about the lies that I told, then I’d have been just fine,” Trump suggested. “Then again, if I had just merely lied about lying about the lies that I told, but let him lie his own lies about the lies I told him to lie about the lies I lied about instead of letting him lie his own lies, then I’d probably also be okay.”
Now Trump was really going.
“But! What if I had told an untruth about a lie about a fib that was to cover-up a mendacity that I had Mickey Coham tell as part of a bigger lie that Vlad told me tell so that no one remembered I lied about lying about lying about telling Coham to lie,” Trump barreled on, losing breath. “Yeah, that’s probably it.”
Trump snapped his fingers. He’d thought of yet another different scenario he should have tried.
“Oh! If I had told the truth about lying about lying about telling him to lie about him lying,” Trump said, “that’s how I’d have come away from this whole thing cleanly! I knew I’d find it. I was so close, before, too.”
Trump farted and instinctively blamed Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who was not in the room at the time.
“Stinky Sarah, eh folks? Right? That’s what I call her behind her back. Anyway,” Trump said, “who can blame me for getting so confused, huh? So much lying and double-lying on top of more lying. What’s a senile old pill snortin’ fake billionaire and faker president supposed to do? Who knew a web of lies covering up decades of financial crimes both in and out of office was so complicated?”
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
