Trump Wants to Know How Many Electoral College Votes He Got From Puerto Rico Before He Helps Them

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the course of the last few days, President Donald Trump has been on a tear about a pressing subject and growing humanitarian crisis — kneeling NFL football players. On Friday night in Alabama, Trump called embattled NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick who began protesting police brutality by kneeling during the playing of the national anthem before games last year a “son of a bitch.” Over the weekend he tweeted more than half a dozen times on the subject, encouraging NFL owners to fine, suspend, or even cut players who don’t stand during the anthem.

The NFL began asking players to stand for the anthem in 2009, after a contract was struck between the organization and the federal government, who wanted to boost armed forces recruitment. But while Trump has focused his attention so sharply on the NFL’s pregame patriotism, some of his critics have been pointing out that he was seemingly ignoring another crisis — the ongoing recovery efforts from Hurricane Maria that left Puerto Rico absolutely devastated.

Much of the island has been without power since Maria devastated it. Estimates are in the tens, if not hundreds, of billions of dollars for relief and rebuilding efforts. But despite being the leader of the free world, and despite Puerto Rico being a U.S. territory, Mr. Trump didn’t tweet a single time about the plight of the people there. Today, Mr. Trump explained himself to reporters in the Oval Office for a photo opportunity.

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“I wanted to reach out to the Puerto Ricans right away, as soon as I heard about Hurricane Maria,” Trump told reporters, “but I wasn’t sure how many Electoral College votes I got from there. Everyone knows I prioritize who I will give attention and help to based on what they’ve done for me lately. A very Republican and conservative ideal if ever there was one.”

Trump explained that when he asked his staff to bring him the giant, printed out copy of the 2016 Electoral College breakdown map he keeps in every single room in the White House, he was immediately alarmed.

“Wait a goddamned minute,” Trump could be heard bellowing from outside the Oval Office, “I didn’t get a single, solitary

Mr. Trump was reportedly quite concerned about his map’s accuracy.

“Someone told me that Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory,” Trump said the Kellyanne Conway according to several sources, “So why come me no getty no votes from there?”

For the next several hours, staffers took turns giving the president a lesson in U.S. history and explaining how Puerto Rico came to be in America’s possession. Though he never quite seemed to grasp it, he decided at one point to press on. Trump decided that since Puerto Rico didn’t help him win the presidency, they could wait for his help.

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“I have a bigly heart,” Trump said, “in fact my doctors tell me it’s quite large. And congested with plaque and whole Twinkies. But the point is I care, okay? I care a lot. Like, way more than any previous black administrations might have cared. But the simple truth is that you scratch my back, I scratch yours. It’s as American as apple pie and lynching parties, I feel.”

President Trump has decided that he’ll have the Coast Guard and Navy begin providing relief to Puerto Rico “in a little bit.”

“After I get done sending this next series of tweets about disrespectful and rude black athletes,” Trump said, “I’ll get right on helping Puerto Rico. Now, how many G’s are in the N word again?”

This story is developing.

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