Trump Orders Poor Americans’ Bootstraps Shortened So One Percent’s Can Be Longer

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, Co-President Donald J. Trump got permission from Co-President Steve Bannon and signed a new executive order dictating that poor Americans’ bootstraps be shortened immediately.

“Oh, yes, of course, this executive order. I know exactly which order this is,” Trump said to no one in particular as he took the order from his chief of staff, Reince Priebus, “because I always know exactly what it is I’m signing.”

Trump then went on to explain the order as he read it.

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“This is the Poors Don’t Need Things As Much order,” Trump said, sounding each word out very carefully and meticulously, “we all know what that ones about. Times are tough, folks. We need jobs. And we all know the only way to get a good paying job and get ahead is to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Only problem? There’s only so much magic shoe leather to go around, after all.”

Mr. Trump explained that he, like every Republican, believes that the way for someone to get ahead is not for anyone to take pity on them or have sympathy for their plight and give them help. Instead, he believes that simply by working harder and pulling one’s self up by one’s bootstraps, is how to get ahead.

“And we all have bootstraps, okay,” Trump said, “we all have them. Some are longer, some are shorter. We need rich people to have longer ones. Because they just, you know, naturally get money and finances better. You understand. If you’re born in a pool of diarrhea, you’ll understand shit a lot more than someone born in a hospital. Same concept. Man that’s a great analogy too, don’t you think? Write that down, media, Co-President Trump made a witty, and brilliant analogy today. I want that in every newspaper article tomorrow.”

The co-president insisted that if rich people receive an excess off bootstrap leather, the scraps they don’t want will just find their way, somehow, to the poor people anyway.

“It’s just going to trickle down to the poor at some point,” Trump said, “I don’t know when, but you know, some point.”

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The American people should expect more efforts like these from the White House, Trump warned.

“We’re not going to stop at bootstraps, no way,” Trump said, “we plan to make poor people’s days three hours longer so that rich people can get a few more hours of daylight for golfing. And we’re thinking about adding six months to every rich person’s calendar, so they get 50% more lifespan than poor people, just by way of being rich.”

Reached for comment, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer called the moves “outrageous” but that he’d have to wait and see what his own corporate backers think of them before he lifts a finger because of that outrage.

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