WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hours after returning to the nation’s capital to resume his work as President of the United States, Donald Trump issued a memo of “heartfelt sympathy” to the people of Sweden. In the memo, Trump says the recent terror attack in Sweden — which many believe the president made up out of confusion over a Fox News story he’d recently seen — has elicited the “deepest pussy grabs and condolences” for the “people of Swedishland.”
“Good people of Swedishland,” the letter begins, “it is with a heavy heart that I write this official memorandum to you. Please know that you have my deepest pussy grabs and condolences for the senseless loss of life I invented on the spot last weekend in Florida. I am truly sorry for all the pain and suffering your country would have gone through, had I not just pulled the attack out of my presidential nether regions.”
The memo states that the Trump administration will “leave no fictitious stone un-turned” and will help the people of Sweden hunt down and prosecute the made-up attacker.
“Just because they don’t technically exist,” the memo states, “that doesn’t mean we should stop doing what we can to bring them to justice, while also castigating, oppressing, and generalizing about every single Muslim too. Nothing gives us an excuse to be Islamaphobic fascists like making up terror attacks.”
The memo indicates that Co-President Trump has very personal reasons for being “extra impacted” by the attack he believes happened in Sweden over the weekend.
“It’s bad enough when some random country is attacked,” Trump’s memo said, “but when it’s a country that has some of the best, top-shelf poon the world has to offer? That’s too much! The hot broads of Sweden will suffer no more! I will send my personal jet to pick up any hot, preferably blonde, Swedisharian female, and whisk her directly to me. You know, so I can give her my special presidential protection…and my penis.”
The memo ended with a simple sentence.
“It’s good to be da king,” it concluded. And indeed, it is good to be the king…or the barely elected world leader who really didn’t want the job but will find somehow, some way, to enjoy it. Perhaps by enriching himself and his family? Who knows. Crazy times, huh? Why are you still reading this? We’ve covered it all. Trump’s a douchebag who makes up fake attacks to justify his horrific, Islamaphobic polices.
Done.
Go read another piece.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
