WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump took time to honor the events of September 11th, 2001 by floating a new conspiracy theory about them.
On that day, more than 3,500 Americans died in a series of orchestrated terror attacks. Two hijacked commercial airplanes flew into the towers that used to make up the World Trade center. One plane was hijacked and flown into the Pentagon. Another plane, Flight 93, crashed in a field in Pennsylvania before it could be used as yet another flying bomb with which to attack the U.S.
This morning, Mr. Trump seemed laser-focused on a particular detail of that fateful morning — his breakfast.
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“We’re of course marking this very important time in our American history today,” Trump said in the Oval Office as he prepared to leave for a ceremony at the Pentagon. “And apparently we’re not just remembering it because of the amazing breakfast I had that morning — I’ll never forget where I was when I was eating that bacon and eggs. So good!”
After twenty minutes of telling the press pool about his 9/11 breakfast, and then expounding on how he saw “at least sixteen trillion Muslims and another trillion or two illegal Mexicans” celebrating the fall of the World Trade Center from his Trump Tower apartment, Trump expounded on a theory he and some his “fellow 4chan trolls” had been working on.
“You know, folks, 9/11 is a bad thing. Very bad. It’s so bad, in fact, you’d think Obama was behind it, like the terrible Paris Climate deal, or the Iran nook-u-lur deal,” Trump said. “In fact, me and my fellow 4chan trolls are pretty sure 9/11 was the work of Crooked H and Previous Black Administration’s operatives!”
While promising to “show everyone the proof later or something,” Trump kept expounding on his belief that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were behind the 9/11 attacks. Mr. Obama had not entered national politics in 2001, and Ms. Clinton was still serving in the U.S. Senate. However, Trump says that was no obstacle to either of them, he believes.
“Clearly they are behind the Deep State plot to stop my election by allowing me to win, of course, but this is something that’s always bothered me about them, too,” Trump said. ‘And with the money of George Soros behind them, anything is possible! Oh, also: NO COLLUSION. Just throwing that in there.”
Trump, demolishing a third bucket of KFC chicken this morning, continued his tirade as he was ushered out the door and an over-sized suit jacked was put on him.
“You all KNOW it’s true! Barack Obama wasn’t born in America, there were trillions of Muslims celebrating 9/11, Hillary Clinton started the Deep State Witch Hunt against me,” Trump screamed, “and the two of them did 9/11 together! I keep trying to tell you all that anything bad that’s happening is Crooked or Obama’s faults! Just like any news that’s bad about me is fake! They prolly did 9/11 to set me up for the witch hunt later, I’m sure of it! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!”
This is a developing story.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
