NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Doanald Trump has submitted paperwork to The United States Congress asking permission to be able to take the oath of office of the presidency in both English and Russian.
“Today, I officially requested to be given the oath of office in both the English and Russian languages,” Trump announced via a written statement early Friday morning, “and while some in the lying, lamestream press — that I will also still try to coo and court to make like me because I’m obsessed with being liked, honestly — may say otherwise, it was out of nothing but a desire to be more inclusive, to all Americans.”
Trump’s statement said that there are “quite a few people who speak Russian” living in the United States already, and that he “has a funny feeling a lot more will move” to the U.S. during his tenure as president.
“I just want to be welcoming,” Trump said, “to all people of all nations. Except Mexico. Fuck Mexico. They’re paying for our wall. Eventually. Maybe. I don’t know. That’s fine print, and I usually let me lawyers — good JEWISH ones okay? — handle the fine print stuff. I’m good with big picture stuff. Little picture stuff — like details and paying people what I owe them and stuff — not so good. But whatever, we’ll figure out all that stuff later.”
Reached for comment, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he was “pleased” by Trump’s request and that he was “really, totally, completely unaware of it until it happened, honest.”
“This is great news for Russia,” Putin said, “and for Russia II — I mean the United States. It’s showing that America’s new president is open to having a real relationship with Russia. One where he’s open to new ideas, like, say, swapsies. That’s where I get to run his country and then I also get to run my country. Pretty great deal for me, really.”
President-Elect Trump also made a couple of other requests in the letter. He asked that security cameras be put in the bedroom of the home that his daughter Ivanka will be living in, which is located very close to where the Obama family will live as well. The letter says the cameras are “for non-creepy, security related reasons” and that “even if they are for creepy or pervy reasons” Trump will “be president and you can’t say no to me, Mommy said!”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI), told reporters that he’s on board with Trump’s plan.
“Look, if this were a Democrat asking for these things,” Ryan said, “I’d be losing my shit all over the place. Hell, if this was a Democrat asking for the time of day or a grilled cheese sandwich I’d be all for impeaching him. But Donald Trump is a Republican. I’m a Republican. So if he asks me to put on a tutu and buttfuck a cat in front of his dead father, guess what? Call me Balerina Ryan, okay?”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
