Trump Insists NY Attorney General ‘Should Be Going After John Barron,” Not Him

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FARTS-A-LOT-THOUGH, FLORIDA — A former, one-term, twice permanently impeached, defeated U.S. President lashed out at New York Attorney General Letitia James this morning, issuing a statement he was barred from sharing on any of his former social media accounts.

Last night, the New York AG’s office announced that it had found significant evidence that the Trump Organization had concocted and participated in a real estate scheme that amounted to years of criminal activity. AG James already has gotten testimony from Eric Trump, who asserted his Fifth Amendment rights more than 500 times, and last night she announced she was filing motions compelling Donald Trump Jr, former President Don Trump, and former First Lady Ivanka Trump to testify before a grand jury.

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Trump’s statement, reprinted verbatim, attacks James for focusing her efforts on him and his children and not John Barron, who he said he “always had a strong distrust of.”

Attorney General Titty James is wrong, wrong, wrong! She should not be going after me, or any of wonderful crotch fruit. Not even the ones who aren’t wonderful and I’ve never loved that much, whose names rhyme with “Donald Trump Boon-yur! You can tell this is a witch hunt, because like all witch hunts, she has provided reams of evidence that she has caught some witches, and there are dozens of witnesses who saw witches doing witchcraft, and they even have spreadsheets showing which spells the witches were going to cast and when!

Instead of Titty focusing on me and my kids, she should be looking hard, and I mean bigly hard, at John Barron. He’s a guy who I don’t know well, but who I put in charge of all business dealings. John Barron’s the bad guy, if anyone, and it is not me! Frankly, I’ve always had a strong distrust of Mr. Barron.

I implore Attorney General Titty James to do the right thing, drop her harassment of me and my family on the grounds that we clearly broke laws and perpetrated a decades-long real estate RICO scheme, and get hard-nosed and tough with John Barron instead. If she wishes, I can give Titty John’s number. I think I still have it on my Blackberry.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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