WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, President Donald Trump signed an executive order directing the National Guard to send troops to states that share a border with Mexico.
While Department of Homeland Insecurity Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen told reporters at the White House yesterday that the troops would be working in conjunction with and at the behest of the states’ governors, it cannot be ignored that this is a marked uptick in the aggressiveness with which DHS and ICE will pursue undocumented immigrants entering the country. Despite the fact that net migration from Mexico has been stagnant for years, the Trump administration ran on a message that was, in part. extremely tough on immigration, and many see this as an attempt by the president to shore up his base.
This morning, as he was leaving the White House with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to go on their routine morning coffee, doughnut, hot dog, deep fried lard log, and nacho cheese covered fried chicken run, Mr. Trump was stopped by reporters and asked a few questions about his order. Though he hasn’t held a formal press conference with just himself and American reporters in over a year, Trump stopped to talk to the pool briefly.
“The fact of the matter is, and I am in no way exaggerating this, there are at least fifteen trillion Mexicans or people who look Mexican and might as well be Mexican, flooding over our border ever single minute,” Trump said. “It’s true, Stephen Miller showed me the stats from this website called WhiteIsRight dot com or whatever.”
This publication was not able to verify Trump’s claims, however, the president didn’t linger long on that topic, and instead dove right into the heart of why he felt the urgency at this moment in time to send the National Guard to the border.
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“I have been told in my morning intelligence reports, which as the president only I am smart enough and trusted enough to get, that Taco Bell is planning to invade and take over the United States,” Trump said emphatically. “And I took an oath on that Jesus book thing to defend the Constaltoochin, and I will not stand by and let them make a run for our border!”
Baffled reporters asked Trump why he thinks an American company would be planning an invasion of America. Trump laughed so hard he farted, which reporters swore up and down sounded like “fake news” coming from his rectum. The president explained why the reporters “just don’t get it.”
“It says right on their advertising,” Trump explained, “‘You better run for the border,’ they say. And guess what all the illegal Mexicans and people who look Mexican-ish are doing? That’s right, running for the border.”
Trump offered the still confused reporters more evidence of his theory.
“Also, remember when their mascot was going around speaking Mexican to everyone,” Trump said. “Yo queer-arrow Take-O Bell? Excuse me, little doggy fella, but we speak full blown American in this country now. We also say Merry Christmas again and we’re working on replacing In God We Trust on our quarters with ‘Fuck Islam and Immigrants.'”
Taco Bell has issued a statement in response to Trump’s accusations.
“The president is extremely loco, but not as loco as the prices on our new breakfast cheesy gordita crunchwrap supreme with guacamole,” Taco Bell wrote.
This story is developing.
James‘ satire is also found on Alternative Science, The Pastiche Post, and The Political Garbage Chute.
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