Trump: “Mueller Fully and Completely Exonerated Me in Such a Mean, Biased Way!”

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump lashed out again at former FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller today while in the Oval Office to sign an executive order. Mr. Mueller, who delivered a report on his investigation into the 2016 presidential election and any collusion between Russia and the Trump campaign, is expected to testify before House committee panels next week. It’s unclear what, exactly, Mueller will say in his testimony, but reportedly Mr. Trump wants to get out ahead of the hearings and cast doubts on the entire investigation.

However, Trump still wants everyone in the country to know the Mueller Report “fully, completely, and bigly exonerated” him, he told reporters today.

“Look, it’s a tricky thing, okay? Very tricky,” Trump said. “On the one hand, Mueller’s report was written by six or seven hundred angry Democrats who all hate me, but on the other hand it shows completely and totally that there was NO COLLUSION and VERY PROBABLY OBSTRUCTION BUT I AM LORD EMPEROR PRESIDENT KING AND YOU CAN’T INDICT ME SO SHUT UP! So, I really have to walk a very fine line here. A line so fine if it were my daughter I’d make inappropriate comments about its butt.”

President Trump insists that “Americans must know how rudely Mueller completely exonerated” him.

“Sure, he exonerated me. Completely. Bigly. I’m told by people I pay lots of money and promise special treatment to that this is the most exonerated anyone has ever, ever been,” Trump divulged. “We’re talking even more exonerated than that lovely football playing chap, OJ Simpson! Still, it was the WAY he exonerated me! It was so, uppity and elitist, and frankly very rude and vicious. He VICIOUSLY found me completely and totally innocent.”

Trump told reporters that “someone” told him behind closed doors that Ohio Congressman Gym Jordan is “thinking of nominating” him for a medal.

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“Jordan told me that in his view I deserve the Congressional Medal of Homer Simpson or whatever it’s called, because I was put through such completely and totally exonerating hell,” Trump said. “Gym told me all I have to do is keep being the upstanding picture of law abiding greatness that I clearly am, and he’d talk to Nancy about getting me one of those medals, which I obviously deserve more than anyone who’s ever won one before.”

The president warned Americans not to be “suckered” by Mueller’s testimony, “no matter what they hear.”

“Just remember, the Democrats are going to try to get Mueller to read the word he wrote, verbatim. They’re going to ask him questions that, when he answers, will make it seem like I’m an incompetent white collar crook with a lifelong pattern of acting like the rules don’t apply to me, and then I got really lucky by being elected president by a group of people who don’t want to start holding me accountable any time soon,” Trump said. “Ignore all that. Don’t listen to what your ears hear, listen to what your heart says your ears want to hear. I’m sure that’s what I’m actually saying. Trust me. When have I ever lied…today…this hour…since you’ve been here?”

Another Story: Eric Trump Tells Fox News 95% Of Unicorn Breeders Support His Father

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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