Giant Dumbfuck Just Can’t Stop Live-Tweeting His Own Impeachment Like The Dumbfuck He Is

James Schlarmann
By James Schlarmann

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A former D-list reality TV host, a man who somehow convinced 63 million Americans he’d be able to do as President of the United States something he could never do in his business life — succeed in any significant way — is facing the very real possibility that in the extreme short term, he’ll join Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton as the only two other presidents ever impeached. After demanding for a couple of weeks that House Democrats stop holding depositions related to his impeachment in closed-door sessions — despite the fact that Democrats were only following rules adopted by Republicans and employed frequently during the Benghazi investigations the GOP led, this bloviating moron has begun to whine about what is happening in the open hearings conducted over the past two weeks.

To make matters worse, and perhaps as a reason for why the orange-tinted, tax dodging, kleptocratic douchebag was extra cranky this morning, yesterday someone he once trusted — Ambassador Gordon Sondland — passed his bus driver’s examination and immediately flattened the president, vice president, chief of staff, and Secretary of State. While White House medical teams confirmed the film-flam man in chief would survive without any physical injuries, they confirmed Sondland had permanently damaged his ego, just as the impeachment proceedings themselves had done.

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This self-same, glib, lying sack of shit, against the advice of moderate Republicans (and contrary to all common sense), has heretofore shown himself unwilling and, likely unable, to control his impulse to lash out on Twitter while impeachment hearings are underway. He infamously attacked Ambassador Marie Yavanovitch as she was testifying, rankling even some of his most ardent defenders in congress. Despite taking a day off from live rage-tweeting proceedings yesterday, the most powerful diarrhea golem in the free world was back at this morning.

Before a lot of Americans had even woken up and had their morning coffee, the giant man-toddler in the White House had already shat his pants and was spreading his shit all over Twitter. The first whining tweet of the day was on the subject of the programming choices of this stupid idiot’s preferred propaganda outlet. Apparently, he didn’t like what he saw from a Democratic congressman, and made the whole world know about his complaint.

Six minutes later, it would appear that the adderall had kicked in, and the bumbling bunghole was participating in one of his favorite activities — creating false realities for himself and his sycophantic stooge base to live in, outside our own reality. Despite a day of absolutely damning testimony from multiple witnesses who observed various examples of his readily apparent corrupt use of American foreign policy for personal political gain, the lying rectal wart insisted he and his party had a “GREAT day.” It’s unclear if the dipshit in chief owns a dictionary from Opposite Land, or if he’s just the illiterate dumbfuck he appears to be, and doesn’t get that words have actual meanings anyone can look up and learn.

Sixteen minutes after he established his fantasy world interpretation of yesterday’s proceedings, Capt. Idiot McDumbface played one of his biggest hits for his base — he attacked FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Mr. Mueller isn’t involved in the impeachment investigation, but many are speculating that when cornered, the tangerine tit likes to rail against Mueller as a way of flashing a shiny object in the faces of his easily duped political supporters. In this tweet, the alleged president complained less about impeachment, however, and more about how state governments have a right to prosecute people who are fraudulent hucksters and tax dodging pieces of shit.

Just ten more minutes passed before America’s literally least popular president ever decided to spew some more inanity. In this tweet, he complained that in his “wildest dreams” he never thought he’d be impeached. Some might wonder if that’s the case, why he decided to commit impeachable acts, however the dipshit in the Oval Office didn’t address those concerns. Instead, he again framed his call with Ukraine as “PERFECT.”

A scant seven minutes after that tweet, the imbecilic boob was tweeting again. In this tweet, he showed the world why the International Union of Psychologists labeled him the “King of Projection” when he labeled Rep. Adam Schiff as a “corrupt politician” with his evidence being that Schiff has the temerity to use the powers the Constitution gives him to hold the idiot in chief accountable for abusing his power. Scholars note, however, that if anyone knows what corruption looks like, it’s the tax dodging, lifelong conman in the White House, on the principle of “we can smell our own.”

Just a single minute later, President Dopey McDumbbell evoked the name of Sam Dewey, someone that literally no one outside of Dewey himself cares about, in order to defend his obviously corrupt actions. It’s also unclear if the addlepate on Pennsylvania Avenue has ever read the Constitution. If he had, it’s presumed he’d understand that indeed, something gives Schiff jurisdiction over impeachment, and that “thing” is in fact the Constitution itself.

About an hour later, the western bacon loony loser played another of his greatest hits, demanding everyone read the alleged transcripts of his calls with the Ukrainian president. Oddly, the president has never acknowledged that the transcripts themselves are not transcripts but summaries of transcripts, and he’s also never publicly acknowledged they contain the very evidence of his corrupt intent that has caught him up in an impeachment inquest at any rate.

One more hour passed before herculean huckster tweeted about his impeachment again. This time, he quoted famed presidential blowjob expert Ken Starr. Mr. Starr apparently only believes presidents lie about oral sex, and not when they’re caught red handed trying to use the U.S. State Department as their own personal political muckrakers.

This story may be updated with further whining tweets from the halfwit with the nuclear codes.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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