WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Trump broke yet new rhetorical ground in his presidency. In what many described as a fit of rage, the president lashed out on Twitter and “hereby ordered” American companies to divest from and leave China. In a series of tweets, the commander in chief railed against China, but also against the chairman of the federal reserve, Jerome Powell. Mr. Trump, however, was the one who appointed Powell.

….better off without them. The vast amounts of money made and stolen by China from the United States, year after year, for decades, will and must STOP. Our great American companies are hereby ordered to immediately start looking for an alternative to China, including bringing..

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 23, 2019

While it is exceedingly rare, perhaps unprecedented, for an American president to bark orders at private companies in public, Mr. Trump apparently wasn’t done bossing corporations around. According to several sources within the White House, Mr. Trump demanded that his secretary call up “whatever cuck runs Burger King” and put the on the line with him. Trump was in no mood to play around.

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“Yes? Hello? This is the President of the United States speaking, is this the Burger King,” Trump asked. “What do you mean there’s no one burger king? That’s false advertising! I don’t want to speak some underling, though. Are you a decision maker at your hamberder establishments, sir?”

Once Trump was satisfied he was speaking to “someone high enough up” at Burger King, he launched into his demands.

“I hereby order you to give me extra ketchup packets. Every single time I come there for a Whopper, or whatever,” Trump barked, “you better give me at least, what, fifty, sixty packets of ketchup. Don’t worry what I need them for. It’s not your business or place to deny me, the Royal Emperor God King President, anything.”

Whoever was speaking to the president on the other end of the line tried to appease him, while also stating corporate policy on waste of ketchup packets.

“I don’t care what things cost! I don’t pay for anything! Because I’m rich, you see. All we richie riches do it,” Trump said. “How else do you stay rich if you don’t stiff people on the bill? The point is, if I cared what things cost American companies or American people, do you think I’d be losing a trade war to China right now? I don’t care if the packets cost you a million bucks per! You’re giving me at minimum a hundred packets of ketchup when I come in.”

Once more, the Burger King executive politely but firmly said it’s just not feasible to allow employees to give anyone, not even the president, that much ketchup. The executive wasn’t even sure Trump could need that much of the tomato-based condiment for a single meal anyway. At that suggestion, Trump laughed so hard he farted so hard a little poop came out.

“Ivanka will clean that up later. But that’s hilarious, my friend,” Trump said, “because the ketchup is for more than one meal. Duh. Do you know many steaks I can eat if I have a good, solid, three or four hundred ketchup packets on hand?”

The Burger King executive tried to end the call, but Trump wasn’t having it.

“No! You tell me! You tell me right now. What’s your guess? How many steaks,” Trump pressed, “if every time I came in there you gave me a couple thousand ketchup packets? How many steaks could I eat then, tough guy? HELLO?! HELLO!? THAT MOTHERFUCKER HUNG UP ON ME! THAT IS ILLEGAL! GET ME THE JOINT CHIEFS! WE ARE INVADING! IT’S TIME FOR A CHANGE OF KINGS!”

At the time of publication, President Trump was shouting orders at a collection of stuffed animals his cabinet convinced him are the joint chiefs of staff of the U.S. military. 

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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