“…we can just hook up a couple bungee cords to the island, then tie those to one of our, you know, big ship thingies with the planes on them, and they can just tow the island into place for me…”
It’s been quite a busy first couple of days back on his throne for Constitutional King Donald Trump. With the wind at his back, the Supreme Court’s presidential immunity in his back pocket, and Sen. Ted Cruz breathing hot air up his rectum from behind, Trump has scrawled his powerful, stubby fingers over a flurry of executive orders ranging from transgender rights to officially declaring “They’re eating the dogs; they’re eating the cats.”
Mr. Trump also made good on a threat he made late in the campaign to officially recognize the Gulf of Mexico as the “Gulf of America” instead. While some had wondered why it was so important to the adjudicated rapist-in-chief to rename the gulf, this morning he posted to Truth Social about it, and seemingly laid some of those questions to rest.
“A lot of people have asked me, why we are renaming the Gulf of America,” Trump explained in his post. “It is actually so simple, you don’t have to have the world’s best brain (like me!) In order for us to get the best deal on the purhcase (sic) of Epstein Island, we have to move it into the Gulf of America. Which is why I just signed the order to move Epstein Island into the Gulf of America! DUH!”
He did not indicate how, or when Epstein Island will be moved into the Gulf of America, but the president indicated that he has already been talking with prospective Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth about it. Speaking to reporters on the lawn of the White House as he took his morning “fart walk,” Trump flatulated and told the press about his conversations with Hegseth.
“Petey Wifebeaty, that’s what we call him around here, assures me that we can just hook up a couple bungee cords to the island, then tie those to one of our, you know, big ship thingies with the planes on them, and they can just tow the island into place for me, I mean US, of course I mean US, why would I only care about myself,” Trump said.
Spent twenty more minutes with us.
