WASHINGTON, D.C. — When Congressmen Matt Gaetz (R-Floriduh) and Devin Nunes (R-Stupid as Fuck) arrive at the White House this weekend for what the administration is deeming an “emergency ass kissing, dick sucking, and ball licking” of the president, they’ll be required, per President Trump’s direct order, to wear surgical quality masks and latex gloves.

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“The president reached out to Representatives Nunes and Gaetz and sent an urgent request for them to come to the White House for an emergency ass kissing, dick sucking, and ball licking sessions,” White House Press Drunk Stephanie Grisham slurred to reporters this morning. “As everyone out there in America knows, the one person who can protect this country is the president, and in he’ll need all the strength his ego can muster to do so. He’s gotten quite used to the regular genital fluffing and rectal polishing that Gaetz and Nunes give him, and has been missing those services they provide since the start of the COVID-19 lockdown.”

President Trump decided late last night to give Gaetz and Nunes special waivers to break the COVID-19 social distancing guidelines and rush as quickly as they could to the White House. According to Grisham, the president’s taint and asshole have “gotten quite dry” from the lack of congressional Republican licking and kissing of late, and he worries that it could start to get chapped. However, the two Republicans needed to understand that they’d be asked to wear masks and gloves, not for their own protection, Grisham explained, but to protect the president.

“The Secret Service insisted that they glove-up and throw on masks,” Grisham said. “But also, the president doesn’t care if they get sick. He does, however, care if he gets sick. So for his own protection, he told both Congressman Gaetz and Congressman Nunes they’ll need to wear gloves and masks at all times when approaching, manipulating, and fondling his presidential junk.”

It’s unclear at this time whether Trump will allow Gaetz and Nunes to forego their traditional humming of “Hail to the Chief” while he un-sheaths his executive toadstool. The White House has thus far also declined to state definitively whether they’ll be provided the required electron microscopes to get their task accomplished, or if they’ll need to provide their own. It has been confirmed through sourced twice verified that they will provide their own dental dams.

“In these times of great economic uncertainty, we can’t just be handing dental dams out like they’re candy,” Grisham slurred. “So Devin and Matt are prolly gonna have to bring their own along. Maybe we can work something out and reimburse them. These are crazy times. You just never know how things are going to work out.”

Grisham said this new presidential edict supersedes a prior one that required any and all ass kissers who arrive at the White House to have a coronavirus test completed beforehand. Last month, Trump had issued the order just at the outset of the COVID-19 outbreak. This outlet reported on that order exclusively, last month.

“I love having my ass kissed, don’t get me wrong,” President Trump shouted at reporters on the White House lawn today. “We’re in no way canceling ass kissing. If anything, as this is an election year, the ass kissing should increase, not decrease. But you can never be too cautious in times of an outbreak, and frankly I don’t want them kissing my ass until I know for certain whether they have coronavirus or not.” (Political Garbage Chute)

Gaetz and Nunes could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.