WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump ate “way, way, way too many chilli dogs” this morning while tweeting during his executive time, and as such has come down with a case of Freedom Gas. Reportedly the Freedom Gas is so intense it has resulted in the president “farting up a storm,” according to sources. Those same sources are reporting that that Mr. Trump is not comfortable “smelting and delting” the farts, and has chosen instead to blame them on his press secretary.
“President Trump ingested approximately eight to twenty hot dogs smothered in chilli while he tweeted and shat this morning,” another source close to the incident told us via Skype on condition of anonymity. “No one can eat that many chilli dogs and not end up with truly ripe farts. He’s got Freedom Gas coming out of that tangerine tinted sphincter of his something fierce, but every time he lets one fly, he reflexively looks at Sarah Huckabee Sanders, chides her, and then looks at the rest of the room and quietly points back to Sarah, implying that she’s doing the farting.”
Sources say it’s a “natural fit” for Trump to blame his flatulence on Huckabee Sanders.
“When most people think of Sarah, farts aren’t that far behind,” our source said, “So it’s kind of a match made in smelly heaven, isn’t it?”
Apparently, Huckabee Sanders is “completely fine” with being blamed for the president’s anal expulsions.
“You don’t work for Donald Trump this closely for this long unless you’re okay with being around horrific smells and don’t really have any use for your dignity anyway,” our source told us. “Sarah definitely farts a whole lot, but nowhere near as much as Trump blames her for. But here she is, day after day. I knew she didn’t have a soul, but apparently she also lacks shame, self-worth, and maybe even olfactory senses.”
Energy Secretary Rick Perry, once he was reminded which department he runs, told reporters that he thinks Trump’s Freedom Gas could lead to greater American “energy liberty.”
“America won’t be, like, you know, dip-ended on, like, other energies or whatever,” Perry said, putting his glasses on. “There, now don’t I look intelligent, even if the words coming out of my face hole most definitely are not?”
Mr. Perry says he plans to ask the president if he could “hook a pipe up to his butt hole” and pump enough Freedom Gas into a holding tank that would let Americans keep their lights on for centuries.
“There is probably no one with more Freedom Gas in their belly than President Trump,” Sec. Perry said. “If anyone could power this country’s factories, plants, and homes with what’s in his colon, it’s Donald Trump.”
The Trump administration has not given any indication whether or not the president will agree to let his farts power the nation’s energy grid. However, reportedly the White House has ordered sixteen more cases of canned chilli and even more boxes of cabbage. It would appear the president is at least considering this plan.
“The president just wants to be sure that he’ll get credit for the power, but that Sarah will get the blame for the putrid sinkiness that comes with it,” our source told us. “Once that’s all settled, Trump’s farts will keep America humming for years and years to come.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
