White House: Frantic, Raving, Unhinged Tweets Prove President Trump Is Not Panicking About Mueller Report

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Deputy Jr. Press Secretary Tom Thompaulsen told reporters in a briefing today that despite what it might look like to those observing President Donald Trump’s Twitter feed, he is “not at all concerned or freaking the fuck out” about an impending report from FBI special counsel Robert Mueller.

“Despite what it might look like when someone wakes up at 4am and starts angrily ranting, President Trump has never been in a more hinged, calm state of mind,” Thompaulsen told reporters. “It doesn’t matter how many tweets he sends in how short a period of time, he’s totally 100% okay and fine with the WITCH HUNT being led by approximately five hundred angry Democrats under Mueller.”

Beginning at just after 6am this morning, President Trump began tweeting about the Mueller probe. There is an expectation on the Hill that Mr. Mueller, a lifelong Republican despite what the president claims, will issue a report based on his investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election. Mueller’s investigation has yielded dozens of indictments and even ensnared Trump’s former personal lawyer — man the president once called his “fixer” — and Paul Manafort, a Kremlin-connected businessman who many have long suspected was integral in collusion between Russia and the Trump campaign.

Ten minutes later, Trump had tweeted again.

It took Trump twelve minutes, but he eventually followed that tweet up with this one.

Thirteen more minutes passed and the president tweeted again.

It took him another 22 minutes, but Trump eventually found the vocabulary he needed to follow-up with yet another tweet about Mueller’s investigation.

Finally, just about two and a half hours after he began his tweet-storm, Trump finished it, for the moment, with this one, below.

“You guys ever read that story by Edgar Allan Poe, The Telltale Heart, where basically a murderer ends up confessing to the crime because of his paranoia about it,” Thompaulsen asked. “Oh, I was just bringing it up because it’s a story I like, is all. Just thought I’d bring it up right now and stuff. You get it.”

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

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