DAVOS, SWITZERLAND — While traveling overseas to meet with the world’s richest and most elite members of society, President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Air Force One directing the Immigration and Customs Enforcement department to establish a new squad of agents specifically tasked with arresting Mexican or Muslim people accused of violating United States immigration law.
“I am ordering, with the stroke of my mighty crayon, ICE to create a new, special task force devoted to rounding up and deporting all the Mexicans, Muslims, or God help us, Muslim Mexicans who are here illegally,” Trump said. “And it will be called ICE-S, because the S stands for ‘Specialized.'”
Trump said that “specialized” means that the new squadron will be specifically trained in “sniffing out Mexicans, even when they’re not raping, murdering, or drug dealing.”
“It’s hard to find the ones who aren’t out committing violent crime, that’s true. But we’re pretty sure if you just start first by looking at their skin tone, you’ve got at least 10 to 15 percent chance of catching an illegal Mexican or even an illegal Muslim from one of the country’s on my super not xenophobic or Islamaphobic Muslim ban,” Trump said emphatically.
President Trump indicated that his wife Melania’s visit to the D.C. Holocaust Memorial Museum during his Davos trip was a “bigly inspiration” for the new ICE-S squad.
Thank you @HolocaustMuseum for a powerful & moving tour that honors the millions of innocent lives lost, and educates us on the tragedies and effects of the holocaust. #WeRemember #AskWhy pic.twitter.com/za8MN6pKRZ
— Melania Trump (@FLOTUS) January 25, 2018
“When I saw Almost-Vanka at that museum, it made me real curious about this whole ‘Hollow-Cast’ thing I keep hearing Stephen Miller telling people was a hoax,” Trump said. “So I did some digging, and it turns out his Hitter guy, I think that’s his name…Hitter…was he a baseball player? Anyway, this Hitter guy had some pretty bad ideas, but a couple of good ones, if I’m being honest.”
Though immigration from Mexico has been at a near stand-still for years, Trump built his campaign, and a large part of his presidency thus far, on further curbing inbound immigration from the southern border. Trump has insisted that a physical wall, estimates for building which push into the tens of billions of dollars, to put an even bigger kink in the paltry flow of undocumented people coming into the U.S. from Mexico.
“This ICE-S squad is really going to do bigly, yooge things for us. We can’t have an America First agenda until we first decide who’s really American, if you know what I mean,” Trump explained. “So they’re just going to help us identify, round-up, and get rid of people who just don’t feel or really look like Americans we trust.”
As to where the rounded-up immigrants accused of breaking the law will be housed while they await trial, Trump has a plan already.
“Everyone knows Obama built a ton of FEMA camps when he was going to execute Order 66, kill all the Jedi, and then arrest Republicans and force them to gay marry each other before they get abortions,” Trump said. “It’s common knowledge. So we’ll just, um, CONCENTRATE them into those camps. Bing-bang-boom, Presidentin’.”
Reached for comment, Speaker Paul Ryan said Trump’s plan is “sad, unnecessary and dangerous” but not enough for him to do anything about it.
“Doing stuff is hard. Saying stuff is easy,” Ryan explained. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s an elderly woman about to cash her Social Security check across town, and I really need to get over there to chide her for it.”
This story is developing.
You can read satire like this on Alternative Facts and The Pastiche Post as well.
More satire:
? Eric Trump Asks His Dad If Stormy Daniels Is His New Sister
