FT. NERO, ALABAMA — The Alabama headquarters for the Donald Trump campaign announced early this morning that they would be paying to install special landmarks in the state, designed to help guide the billionaire’s supporters to the polls on Election Day, this upcoming November.
“We expect there to be yooge, massive turnout,” Trump told supporters at a rally outside a grocery store near his home this morning, “and that means people are going to be piling into their pickup trucks and heading out the polls when it’s still dark.” So Trump said, he and his campaign came up with a way to “help guide everyone to the polls while keeping them fired up, literally” about Trump.
The night before the election, Trump has personally commissioned fifteen-thousand giant, wooden letter T’s, which the campaign says will be lit all along the various state highways and frontage roads that lead to Alabama’s polling places.
“These massive, yooge flaming T’s will help guide Alabama Republicans to the polls and to victory,” Trump told reporters, “and since they’re T’s, they won’t have any problem remembering who to vote for when they get there either. It’s pretty much your garden variety perfect idea from me, you know, no biggie.”
Trump admitted though, that his supporters “might not be literate” but hopes the flaming T’s are still “somehow recognizable” to them.
“They may not know their ABC’s,” Trump said, “but something tells me they’ll recognize my flaming T’s.”
Trump told reporters he had initially looked into whether Mexico or China would pay for the flaming T’s, because as he said he wants to “make them friggin’ pay for every friggin’ thing” and that he knew “damn well” he could do it but instead decided to “flaunt some big bucks.”
“It’s going to be very early in the morning when people are lining up,” Trump said, “so we figured having the T’s be set on fire will help anyone who wants to stop and warm themselves up a bit before they make it to their polling center. We’ll also be handing out bags of marshmallows because they look like our supporters, fluffy, white and full of empty air.”
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