Trump Demands Rian Johnson Tell Him If Captain Kirk Is “The Last Jedi”

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump took to Twitter and issued what he called an “official Presidential Demand” that the director of The Last JediRian C. Johnson, tell him if Captain James T. Kirk is the titular character. The eighth installment in the Star Wars saga released to the public just hours ago, but that didn’t prevent the world’s most powerful man from trying to get plot details out of the film’s director.

“We’re all dying to know, @rianjohnson, so I’m giving you an official Presidential Demand for spoilers in your upcoming talkie,” Trump tweeted to Johnson. “Is Capt. Kirk The Last Jedi the title refers to? Tell me now.”

Box office reports show that the new, eighth film in the Star Wars saga, and ninth film in the franchise’s canon, already swooped up a colossal $50 million haul in just the opening 24 hours. Trump complimented Johnson on the “bigly earnings” and tweeted that he is “really looking forward to seeing if Flash Gordon survives his run-in with the Daleks.”

“I do not want to spoil the whole film for everyone, I’m not a jerk,” Trump tweeted a few hours later. “But, really, Mr. Johnson. I must insist, tell us if Captain Kirk survives, and if he’s the last Jedi.”

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Still a few more hours went by, and Mr. Trump had not received any word from Mr. Johnson via Twitter or any other communication channels. President Trump even tried to use his back channel communication network with Russian President Vladimir Putin, to see if his friend Vlad could help track down Johnson and the answers he needed. But for some reason, Mr. Putin wasn’t taking Trump’s calls today, which upset Trump like it upsets a six year old when you don’t reply to the first time they call for you and they bombard you with “Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! DadDadDadDadDadDadDad!”

“I am ordering you now, Mr. Johnson. I want to hip, I want to be down with it. I want to know what the kids are into these days, so tell me about your Star Track movie, now! I am using the full weight of my office, and the full might in my tiny fists, balled in your direction. Tell me who the Last Jedi is,” Trump tweeted in a rage.

Mr. Johnson has yet to respond in any fashion to Trump’s demands. Sources close to the president say he is seething mad about that, and wants to have Johnson arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay. Reportedly, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has said he could work out a deal with Trump that would allow him to arrest and ship Johnson off to Gitmo, but only exchange for Trump signing another executive order, making it illegal to make turtle jokes about McConnell, who is the last of a very old, very wet-eyed species of tortoise. Tortoises do not like being called turtles.

This story is developing.

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