WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump made a call to Russian President Vladimir Putin to offer his congratulations. Over the weekend, Putin secured another term as Russia’s head of state by a rather large, but predictable margin, garnering about 76% of the vote, according to the Kremlin’s official vote counts. Addressing his country after the victory, Putin said Russian voters “recognized the achievements of the last few years.”
During his call with Putin, Trump said he admired “winners” like the former KGB agent who “just keep on racking up wins.”
“Uncle Vlad, it’s really quite amazing knowing winners like you, and you just keep on racking up the wins,” Trump said. “It’s amazing how you get such a large share of the votes, both legitimate and illegitimate.”
Reports of voter fraud and tampering are rampant in Russia. Videos showing people filling ballot boxes with completed ballots have surfaced. A top Kremlin watchdog group has already accused Putin of widespread election fraud in his landslide victory. Trump seized on that as a way of drawing the two men closer together.
“You had voter fraud, and I had voter fraud! You had people stuff thousands of fraudulent ballots into boxes, and I personally saw sixteen trillion illegal Mexicans voting for Crooked Hillary,” Trump said. “That’s just truly amazing, how much we have in common, eh Vlad?”
President Trump reportedly had some questions about exactly how Putin was able to secure such a “yooge victory,” and wondered if the Russian president had been helped like he had been helped.
“Did Julian have WikiLeaks help you, Uncle V? Oh! Oh! Wait, I know,” Trump said. “Did your son and several campaign officials collude with Russia too? Oh, oh! No! No! No! No! No! I got it! You guys have an Electoral College too, huh?”
Putin laughed and laughed and laughed.
“Oh, my little yellow covered orange man,” Putin replied. “You don’t need participation trophies like the electoral college when 125% of the population votes for you.”
Trump said he’d have
“Well, anyway, Uncle Vladdy, I just wanted to congratulate you on this historic win,” Trump said. “We did some research, and as far as we can tell, this is the first time someone has won two presidential elections in two years. I’m sure you’re bigly proud, and you should be!”
The White House did not respond to requests for comment on this story.
James’ satire can also be found on The Political Garbage Chute, Alternative Science, and The Pastiche Post.
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