WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President of the United States of America is the most powerful elected position ever created in the history of humanity. President Donald J. Trump told reporters today that he’s decided to wield that power by “whining and complaining and throwing bigly tantrums” about the questions he might be asked by a debate moderator this week.

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“Good morning everyone, except the woman who will moderate my last debate with Joe Biden,” Trump told reporters as he farted just before entering Air Force One this morning, “because I know her. She’s a Never-Trumper and will ask me mean, nasty questions about my actual job performance. How rude is that going to be? And she’ll prolly let Sleepy Po Peepy Toe-Teepy Biden use a teleprompter, ear piece, and prosthetic cock to make me feel inadequate!”

Trump lashed out angrily at Kristen Welker, an NBC White House beat reporter who will moderate the third and final debate between Trump and Biden multiple times this week. He has assailed Welker, intimating she has strong dies to the Democratic National Convention. However, in a break from how the rest of his presidency has gone, it would appear that Trump may have been speaking without facts, because nobody seems to be able to confirm what Welker’s political party membership might be.

“It is very bigly unfair to force me to run on my real record and not my imaginary record, the one I tell Fox News and OANN to broadcast,” Trump explained. “Quite frankly, if someone had told me that I would have to defend everything I did as president, I probably wouldn’t have taken the job! But Vlad was so insistent that this would be easy as grabbing a pussy. Does saving the world from wind cancer and covfefe fever mean nothing?”

In order to “level the playing field,” Trump has asked to have some new topics added to Welker’s roster.

“I want to add some categories to talk about myself. It’s my right. It’s my royal right as president to demand to only speak about the things I want to speak about,” Trump asserted. “So we sent the debate commission a strongly worded letter, very powerfully demanding that they add the following subjects: Sleepy Joe and His Drug Use, Presidential Incest, and Properly Sucking Up to Dictators.”

Quite surprisingly, the Biden campaign has apparently told the debate commission they’re open to adding “any and all topics” that Trump wants to.

“As long as the president intends to behave exactly as he did in the last debate, and as long as he promises to just keep talking,” a Biden spokesperson told us, “we have no problem opening up the floor to him so he can discuss anything on his mind. The more that man talks, the less our candidate has to do anything. Trump’s the best one to make an argument for voting for Biden.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.