Trump Campaign Looking for Volunteer to be Shot

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HALSTON, IOWA — Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is “actively engaged” in trying to find a volunteer to be shot by the billionaire reality TV star and current Republican presidential front runner in the wake of Trump making comments over the weekend intimating that he could shoot someone and not drop in primary polling.

After telling a crowd in Iowa that he “could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody” and he “wouldn’t lose voters,” sources close to the Trump campaign say that The Donald is determined is show the country how right he was in his assertion. Sources say that Trump is hoping the volunteer will be either Hispanic or Islamic because that will play to the base that Trump has been riling up with anti-immigrant and anti-Muslim rhetoric since he entered the race last year.

“Mr. Trump knows that Republican voters fear many things,” Howard Bremmer, Deputy Assistant Media Relations Liaison for Trump’s Iowa operation told reporters Monday morning, “but chief among them right now are Mexicans and Muslims. We call them the M&M’s of successful Republican fear mongering. What better symbolism for Trump than to shoot a Mexican or a Muslim,” Bremmer asked rhetorically to a pool of stunned-looking  reporters.

Bremmer confirmed for reporters that the search for their volunteer to be shot may take them to places outside Iowa, and are hopeful that by the time they find someone that the public hasn’t forgotten what Trump said. “So that’s why he’ll be repeating the line at every stump speech,” Bremmer said, “after which he’ll tell people that if there’s anyone in the audience willing to be shot in the name of Making America Great Again, to raise their hands and Trump will shoot them.”

“No one has to worry too much,” Bremmer said, “Mr. Trump is a terrible shot, so we’re thinking that there will be a lot of flesh wounds, grazings, and outright missing the mark when it’s all said and done. Still the thought of him actually hitting someone and watching his numbers go up and not down is enough to make this stunt all worth it in the end.”

Asked for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said he was “adamantly against” Trump shooting any Americans just to make a point. “Then again,” McConnell said after thinking a moment, “we Republicans have to ask — are immigrants really Americans? Do Muslim Americans really count as much as Christian Americans do? All of these things we’ll have to sort out through the first 100 days of Emperor Trump’s reign, and if a few Mexicans or Muslims have to be shot to hammer out all the fine print, isn’t that worth it in the end?”

With primary elections about to be held in both Iowa and New Hampshire, Trump still leads most nationally-recognized polls for the GOP nomination, while Hillary Rodham Clinton maintains her lead over Bernie Sanders on the Democratic side, though the Vermont Independent has surged to overtake her in Iowa in certain polls as well. There is still just under ten months before the general election is held.

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