FARTS-A-LOT-THOUGH, FLORIDA — In his mind, the Cincinnati Bengals won the Super Bowl last night, and former President Donald Trump is lashing out against the NFL for letting the Los Angeles Rams “win a sham and rigged contest” instead. In a brief written statement, which he was not permitted to post to any account on social media by himself, Trump blasted the league, the halftime show, and the result of the big game, calling on “good, clean, ammo hoarding, sister fucking MAGA patriots everywhere to stand back and stand by to storm Canton and demand Mike Pence have the courage to give you the result you deserve.”
An excerpt from Trump’s statement is reprinted, below:
Real American Patriots everywhere should be outraged over the miscarriage of justice in Los Angeles last night. In a clearly rigged contest, so-called referees and officials continued to count the points that each team scored up until the very end of the game! Even though they were clearly ahead at the end of three quarters, the rabid anti-Bengal refs kept counting the Rams’ touchdowns and forced both teams to play all four scheduled quarters instead.
As angry as we all should feel about this extremely bigly terrible thing that happened, take heart! There is a way for the right result to still happen! All that has to happen is that Ted Cruz needs to object to the counting of the points, and Mike Pence has to show a little courage, and we can give the Super Bowl to the Bengals!
I hereby call on all good, clean, ammo hoarding, sister fucking MAGA patriots everywhere to stand back and stand by to storm Canton and demand Mike Pence have the courage to give you the result you deserve! I will be right behind you, trust me. Even if you turn around and see me fleeing in the other direction, I’m still being a brave leader, just remember that.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.