POLL: Trump Approval 89% Among People Who Still Use Telegraphs

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The subject of President Donald Trump’s approval ratings has been a sore subject in his administration, seemingly from the very outset. Many have speculated that Trump has clung to his Electoral College victory — that didn’t even rank in the top 20 margins of victory in that regard — because he is so wildly unpopular with such large swaths of the electorate that he has never had an approval rating among all Americans, not just his party’s voters, since taking office.

But now, a new poll shows that he may in fact have some reason to cheer himself up.

“We found that among people who still use telegraphs as their main form of communication, Mr. Trump enjoys an approval rating that is quite remarkable,” Dr. Susan Kelm of the National Polling Institute of Questions told reporters this morning.

Dr. Kelm’s institute conducted a poll of Americans that use many different forms of communication — from telegraphs, to Pony Express riders, to telephones, and even smart phones. The closer to the modern age their preferred communication medium got the less supportive of Donald Trump’s agenda respondents tended to be.

“People who still think that 19th century communication devices are as good as 21st century ones seem to also believe that 19th century social and economic policies are better than modern ones,” Dr. Kelm said, “so we can’t really say we’re at all surprised by these results.”

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The institute has conducted similar polls in the past, and this most current one’s results seem to align themselves with previous times.

“We’ve done polls on people who still go to the barber for surgery, or get blood letting done to cure their common colds, and pretty much the same 89% approval rating holds firm for Trump among those people,” Kelm said. “We also found that people who were okay with sleeping with their cousins didn’t find anything wrong with a sitting president feeling sexual thoughts toward his daughter, so…”

President Trump immediately released a statement following the news of the poll’s results being published.

“This new poll shows what we’ve always known — Great American Patriots don’t need modern things,” Trump wrote. “They just need me. That is why I will be signing an executive order banning smart phones, telephones, or any technology developed after 1910. Except my Twitter phone. Fuck you, you can’t have that, you fucks. I mean, um, my fellow Americans or whatever.”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

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