Trump Appoints Giuliani as DOJ’s New Director of Democrat Investigations

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Attorney General William Barr admitted that the Department of Justice has started an official process by which to handle information fed to them from President Donald Trump personal lawyer, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. President Trump’s reliance on the services of Mr. Giuliani in Ukraine was at the heart of the impeachment investigation that ultimately led to two articles of impeachment being drafted against him. It would seem now that Trump has been acquitted by Senate Republicans, that the need for all pretense has vanished, because today he announced that Giuliani would be joining the DOJ in an official capacity.

“This morning it was my great privilege and honor to officially appoint my man, Rudy Giuliani, to one of the most important roles of his entire career. Some might say I’ve given him his best shot at real glory, and in fact I pay people to say those exact kinds of things to me, so someone will,” Trump told reporters on the White House lawn.

For the next five minutes, Trump gave a rundown of all the ways he’s amazing, brilliant, great, and the best president of all time. Eventually, once it seemed like he’d run out of all the self-superlatives in his vocabulary, he got back to the business at hand. Shouting over the roar of a helicopter waiting to take him to IHOP, Trump told the media that Mr. Giuliani will be in charge of “bigly big investigations over at the DOJ” for the rest of his presidency.

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“Rudy’s now the Director of Democrat Investigations. He’ll be in charge of overseeing every investigation into Democrats, which I’m sure there will be hundreds, if not thousands,” Trump announced. “I would wager a guess that there will be almost as many investigations into Democrats as I personally witnessed illegal Mexicans voting in California. So, maybe in the billions, really, if we’re being honest.”

Trump said that while Mr. Giuliani will be free to keep traveling the globe seeking dirt on Democrats, putting him into an official role at DOJ makes it a lot easier, and takes care of one issue that’s always bugged him about using Giuliani’s services.

“This way, I don’t have to pay him. The taxpayers can,” Trump said. “Really, they should’ve been the whole time. After all, like Dershowitz said, anything I do to get re-elected is in the best interest of the nation, and therefore, the taxpayers should be the ones footing the bill. Hell, I really don’t even know how to pay a bill, I’ve skipped out on so many in my life. So in a way, this is best for all parties concerned.”

Mr. Giuliani appeared on the White House lawn moments later. The two men embraced awkwardly, but warmly. Trump told Giuliani to “say a few words to the enemies of the people.”

“Hello all, nice to see you. Just wanted to say a couple of things,” Mr. Giuliani began, “starting with reminding you all that 9/11 happened, and I was a very big deal during the aftermath of it. Very big deal. I even got a 9/11 tattoo on my taint to commemorate that special time in my career. I also just wanted to say that I’m very grateful to the president for giving my another chance to serve him, and I guess my country too, or whatever.”

Giuliani, saying he didn’t “want to give away too much, too soon,” kept his cards pretty close to his vest, but did divulge a little bit about how he plans to determine which Democrats should be investigated.

“I’ll open up the papers, or I’ll go to a few different websites and look at who’s winning their races, in the polls, I mean,” Giuliani said. “Those are probably the most suspicious ones, to me. Because we all know a Democrat winning a free and fair election isn’t allowed in America, not on my watch, it ain’t. From there, I’ll take orders directly from the big man himself, and we’ll just see how it all shakes out.”

Attorney General Barr released a statement on Giuliani’s appointment. He gave the president high praise for “cutting red tape” and “creating a pipeline straight from the bull’s ass right into [his] brain.” 

“Having Rudy in an office right next door to mine will definitely let us cook up bullshit investigations a lot quicker than we could before,” Barr wrote. “As ever, given that the president is president and is a Republican, it is my judgment as his Attorney General that he is completely within his constitutional rights and duties to do this, and I will personally arrest and try anyone who says otherwise.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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