Trump: “The Access Hollywood Tape Is As Real As My First Lady’s Orgasms”

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising development, President Donald Trump has reportedly begun telling close advisers and elected officials that he believes the infamous “Access Hollywood Tapes” are fakes.

During last year’s hotly contested election, with just a few weeks left before votes were cast, a recording surfaced from an Access Hollywood shoot that involved Mr. Trump, who is overheard bragging about his methods of sexually harassing and even assaulting women. Most famously, the tapes contain the moment that Trump famously quipped he “grabbed [women] by the pussy.” At the time that the tapes came out, no one on the Trump team denied their voracity, and instead dismissed Trump’s braggadocios claims as nothing more than “locker room talk.”

Now, more than a year after the election, Trump is claiming to some that the tapes aren’t real.

President Trump reportedly told a senator earlier this year that the infamous recording in which he can be heard boasting about groping and kissing women without their consent may not be authentic, and repeated that claim recently to an adviser. (The Hill)

As he stepped out of the White House today for his routine morning coffee-doughnut-deep fried pancake-bacon wrapped sausage-mug of nacho cheese run, Trump was stopped by the press pool and asked to comment on his intimations that a tape, which he admitted was his voice just over a year ago, is actually not authentic. The president obliged.

“First off, let me just say that I never said it was real. Just that it was my voice,” Trump said. “I’ve heard computer nerds can do all sorts of things with their beep-bop-boopers and flatbed scanners. So let’s just start there, okay?”

Mr. Trump explained that he admitted to the tape being real at the time, but that since he’s had a change of perspective.

“Mainly, I’ve got this new perspective where I realize my base has been hardened, distilled, almost, down to a sludgy, somewhat humanoid mass that truly believes if they don’t hear it on Fox News, it’s lies,” Trump said. “And that base is all that matters to me, because thanks to the Electoral College, I only have to focus my efforts on winning the support of a much smaller group of people. Bigly good, if you ask me.”

The president told reporters that the tape is, in his mind, not genuine, and he has a way to tell.

“The Access Hollywood Tape is as real as my First Lady’s orgasms,” Trump announced. “I get the same feeling listening to those tapes as I do when she’s faking her climax. I get confused, and unsure of what it is I’m hearing. Then again, at my age, I get that feeling everywhere I go, and no matter what I do. So…”

Reporters asked if Trump really meant to use the fact that he can’t bring his First Lady to orgasm to cast doubt on tapes he previously said were real. Trump smiled and nodded his head.

“Yes, of course I am. I don’t care if she fakes it,” Trump said. “When have I ever cared about anyone other than myself and about anything other than my own gratification. Duh.”

Ivanka could not be reached for comment.

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