CLEVELAND, OHIO — Though there were certainly moments that were cringe worthy for many pundits, the consensus about Fox News’ much anticipated first primetime debate featuring ten of the best polling of the roughly 225 declared Republican candidates for the 2016 presidential election season is that billionaire real estate mogul, reality-TV star, bankruptcy form-filler-outer expert and 2016 Republican presidential front runner Donald Trump held his own overall well enough to likely maintain his lead in the polls. Feeling the high of his first primetime debate performance, Trump has updated his campaign slogan and is debuting newly-printed campaign bumper stickers, t-shirts, mugs, trucker hats, iPad cases, and adult toys, that the candidate says “best reflects what [his] campaign stands for.”
Speaking to reporters the next morning after the debate, Trump said that he “knows [he] knocked a lot of dicks in the dirt” with his “high-energy, take no bullshit from losers approach to debates” that his father taught him. He says though, that it should be pretty clear from his performance and from the fact that he said he wouldn’t rule out an independent run that he’s “pretty much just in this to troll everyone for awhile and see if [he] can win this president bullshit.”
“So with that trolling spirit in mind,” Trump said as he reached into a plastic shopping bag overflowing with campaign merch, “I’m putting out these new stickers, hats, and such with my new campaign slogan, ‘Trololololololol.'”
An anonymous source close to the Trump campaign said that “Mr. Trump is most definitely a serious candidate, and he will most definitely beat the pants off of any loser-ass loser who tries to beat him, but let’s be real — the RNC is not going to sit idly by while he makes Jeb! and Scott Walker look like loser-ass losers, are they?” The Trump aide said that this knowledge of how short-lived his Republican primary tenure might be has given his boss “a green light to fuck with these Poindexters a little.”
“Could you tell how much I didn’t care about answering their questions directly or with any kind of deep thought,” Trump asked reporters about his performance. “That’s because I know I actually don’t have to give answers that are meaningful, only answers that get my ‘uge applause breaks. As long as I get more applause than that fat fuck Christie, or that crazy eyed douchebag Cruz, I’m winning as far as I’m concerned.”
Trump also spoke to a theme he touched on in the debates. “You know what I think people should vote for me,” Trump asked, “because I’ve already got experience buying off politicians from both sides. So I’ll do the same thing when I get to Washington. You’d be surprised how bipartisan shit can get when you’re coughing up fat checks to campaign coffers. In fact, under a Trump President, we’ll not only not push back against Citizens United, I’ll push for a change in the law that makes it so that the only people who can donate are the One Percent. Or will I? Am I trolling again? Guess you’ll never know will you?”
With just a little over 400 days left before the election next November, Trump is still leading most Republican polls. Reached for comment on the debates in general last night, Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus said, “Well, it happened. And people said words. Some other people said other words. I think it’s going as great as anyone can hope for, and in no way am I worried that 2016 will be even more of an embarrassing shit show than 2012, I promise.”
http://www.vox.com/2015/8/6/9114565/donald-trump-debate-money
