Trey Gowdy Goes On 11 Hour Fishing Trip, Comes Back With Fish Conspiracy Theories

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RIDGEBACK, SOUTH CAROLINA — Citing a need to “blow off some steam,” Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), reportedly headed home after conducting the marathon, grueling House Select Committee hearing on Benghazi that featured former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as the sole witness, took a shower, packed his things, and left D.C. for the backwoods of his home state where he wanted to “get away and spend some time fishing in the most beautiful part of the country.”

At a press conference upon his return to his mountain cabin, Gowdy hosted a conference call and told reporters about his fishing excursion. “Well, I spent about 11-hours out there,” Gowdy told the press, “and I used every form of bait I could think of. Literally there is no other way I could have tried to get the result I wanted, and at the end of it all I came back to this cabin and didn’t have a single, solitary fish to speak of. I did however, formulate several conspiracy theories as to why the fish weren’t biting, and so I plan to keep coming back here and fishing the same waters over and over until I do get the results I want.”

Gowdy then told reporters what some of the theories that he developed while not successfully fishing for 11 hours were. “For starters, I want to know what those fish knew, and when they knew it,” Gowdy said, “I know that there were fish in there. We all know there were fish in there, and yet, I caught not a single one. Does that sound right to everyone else, that I could spend almost half a day wasting my time in search of something and ultimately coming up with nothing,” the South Carolina Republican asked to near dead silence on the other end of the conference call.

“I’m just saying that something doesn’t quite add up in my mind, no matter what the facts say,” Gowdy told reporters, “and as a Republican I know that I can make whatever I believe in my heart true simply by believing it hard enough. Like Obama won two elections promising free stuff, Hillary gave a stand-down order during Benghazi, and clearly the fish conspired against my fishing rod, hook, and line today, and I will not rest until I get answers as to why that happened.”

Gowdy said that during the day he moved up and down the shoreline looking for a place that would garner him the prize he came in search of. “But,” Rep. Gowdy said, “the dang fish never bit my bait.” While he said he was “extremely unnerved and disappointed” by the results of the day, he’d be back there the next day, and every other day after that until he brings “the fish [he knows] are out there” back as his catch.

When local reporters went down to the spot that Gowdy was fishing in order to take pictures of the lake that yielded no fish, they were quite surprised by what they found.

“It was the weirdest thing, I looked outside my kitchen window and saw this guy standing at the edge my pool, just casting and casting into it,” was how Philip McGregorson told reporters he came upon a member of congress that day. “I went outside and asked him what the hell he was doing fishing in my empty swimming pool,” McGregorson told reporters, “and he just looked at me with these dead eyes and said, ‘I’m gonna be here as long as it takes to get the fish I know you’re hiding from me.'” McGregorson said there never was, nor will there ever be any fish in his swimming pool.

At the time of publication, Gowdy was seen climbing McGregorson’s back fence into his backyard, where the swimming pool is.

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